I have a confession to make.
He's, uh, actually technically Husband.
Yeah.
About a year ago now (late August, anyway) we got married, and the only reason I don't call him 'Husband' instead of 'Boyfriend' is because the very idea of me being married to anyone is ridiculous. I can't say 'and this is my husband' without experiencing a slight muscle tic: the entire right side of my face slams shut, my head twitches uncontrollably at an angle, all my limbs except my left leg attempt to curl up around my body protectively, and then I give up and fall to the floor and curl up in a fetal position while whimpering and occasionally drooling.
My friends assure me the tic is barely noticeable.
I never blogged about it before because, well, I was in serious denial about the fact that I was actually married, and besides that, some things just aren't your business. Why I continue to believe that my exploding armpit and my taste in pornography are your business and my marriage isn't is unclear.
Anyway.
We'd been living together for close onto eight years before we got married. That seems like a long time, and yeah, it really was. But at the same time it wasn't long enough. We tried to get married once, before, after we'd lived together for about four years.
It didn't happen.
Well, obviously. The reasons are many and varied and not very interesting, but let's just say that my tendency to collar complete strangers and scream "I AM NOT A WIFE!" at the top of my lungs might have had something to do with it.
That, and weddings suck.
Well, okay, so maybe they don't suck. Maybe that's just my opinion. But I've never enjoyed a wedding in my life, and I really had no reason to think that my own wedding would be any different. In fact, it would suck harder, because I wouldn't be able to duck out early and go the hell home.
Let's look at how weddings stack up on the Mooncalf Scoring System of Incredibly Bloody Uncomfortable:
Binding, hot, uncomfortable clothing: 10 pts.
+ anything resembling a skirt or dress: +5 pts.
+ any form of pantyhose: +20 pts.
+ having to wear makeup: +10 pts.
Having to be the center of excited attention constantly for 5+ hours without being able to sneak away and log on to check my email: 100 pts.
+ having been the center of an entirely different sort of attention for two weeks prior: +50 pts.
Being embarrassed to hell and back by a bunch of well-meaning relatives: 10 pts.
+ being asked at least once about our plans for children while still at the reception: +20 pts.
+ being forced to dance: +10 pts.
Eating mediocre reception food while crammed into said uncomfortable outfit: 10 pts.
+ if uncomfortable ballgown thingie happens to be white when I am prone to spillage: +5 pts.
Noisy, crowded atmosphere: 20 pts.
+ filled with our relatives: +10 pts.
+ and at least five shrieking children: +20 pts.
+ wearing aforementioned ballgown of DOOM: +5 pts.
Actually having to plan said wedding over the months beforehand, including dealing with feuding relatives, dealing with 'wedding merchant' people, discussing who to chop off the guest list, actually forming the guest list, and in general having to micromanage every single little piddly detail of a five-hour party that I'll barely remember save for the immense pile of bills: 1,000 pts.
====================
TOTAL: 1, 305 pts of Incredibly Bloody Uncomfortable
So, note that I hate noise, crowds, children, fuss, uncomfortable clothing, conflict, being the center of attention, planning, micromanagement, and spending oodles of money on something I can't keep, and you'll have a pretty good idea of how 'excited' I was to be planning a wedding. So much for that.
So four more years went by. We were still happy together, and there really wasn't any need for us to get married.
Until, suddenly, there was.
You see, boys and girls, my health insurance ran out. And let me tell you, if you happen to be overweight, no insurance company in the world will touch you. No matter if you offer to pay higher premiums. No matter if you're healthy as a horse otherwise. They know better. Fat people are expensive to insure, because most of them break down in a big way once they get older.
But if we were married, I could tag along on Boyfriend's insurance. If we were married.
It sounds like the dumbest reason in the world to get married, doesn't it? Well, perhaps it is. But it's still a valid one. Plus I really did want to marry this guy, earlier coldfootness aside. See, here's the crux of the issue: I didn't want to have a wedding. I just wanted to be married. And I wasn't going to let anyone -- his parents, my parents, our friends, our culture, our society -- tell me differently, or try to force me into doing otherwise. I'll register for china when they pry my guest list out of my cold, dead hands!
So in late August of last year, we went down to the county courthouse in jeans and t-shirts, and got married by a judge. The 'ceremony' lasted about three minutes, and took place in an empty jury room. The whole thing, including applying for the marriage license, took about an hour, and cost about forty dollars. And then we went home.
And then, after the fact, we emailed our totally unsuspecting parents and told them what we'd done.
And looking back on it now, I'm not sorry I did it this way. Not at all. In fact, given my loathing of fuss and bother, I'd have to say that I have had my dream wedding.
... not that I'm married or anything. Noooo.
*twitch*twitch*
NO! NOT ME! I'M YOUNG! I'M FREE! I'M NOT MARRIED! NOOOOOOO!
Replies: add your comment: currently 21 comments
And tell Boyfriend I said hi, 'kay? He's neat.
Posted by W2 @ 08/12/2002 08:18 AM EST
I'll be honest: I'd figured you were married, because you said in a previous blog entry that you and Boyfriend had bought a condo or something, and I don't think that un-married-but-living-together couples buy houses /jointly/.
But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why you hadn't written anything...
Oh well. Adults are unfathomable, why give myself a migraine?
Posted by Nagia @ 08/12/2002 08:35 AM EST
ROTFLMAO!
Posted by Yscaldine @ 08/12/2002 08:36 AM EST
With you there, sista. Me and mine will be coming up on our tenth anniversary this September, and we *almost* went in for domestic partnership last January for insurrance reasons, but it was just too...too... well, icky. We had the unsigned paperwork in our hands and everything, and less than an hour later screamed at each other "AUUUGGHHHH! DON'T WANNA! DON'T WANNA!" Paperwork promptly got shitcanned, and so we live in sin to this day. More glamourous that way, anyway.
Besides, I assisted my father the photographer with weddings for years, and it's gotten to the point where I can tell you exactly what's on the menu at every major reception hall in the Balto/Wash DC metro area. At this point the last wedding I need to see is my own.
Posted by Greer @ 08/12/2002 09:09 AM EST
Up here in the Great White North we have what's known as a "Common Law" marriage. Which means that if you live together as if you were married for over a year, you qualify as equivalent to married in most respects, including most insurance plans. evil_Ex used to fall under Nezumi's plan.
Has Nezumi mentioned how glad she is that she never got married to that woman, even though we were engaged for a couple of years? Yeah.
Posted by Nezumi @ 08/12/2002 09:18 AM EST
I'd belatedly congratulate you and all that but it smacks too much of a generic wedding thing to do, so I'll just tell you that I love your blog & I think you're cool, and so is Hu...erm. Boyfriend.
Posted by Meriko @ 08/12/2002 10:34 AM EST
Boyfriend is /indeed/ neat. I agree with W2.
However, for the sake of informing people who may be considering getting married to get health insurance and may not know this (and are in the United States of Murrica), there /are/ such things as the federally mandated open enrollment periods for insurance, where if you're actually able to pay privately for insurance (which is a huge if), companies pretty much HAVE to take you. It's nowhere near as cheap as being on employer-subsized plan (which is, in fact, not cheap at all these days), but at least you can /get/ insurance. Not that the insurance companies go out of their way to advertise these open enrollment periods...
Posted by Suze @ 08/12/2002 11:39 AM EST
I have a cousin who is filthy rich. He got married to a woman who was disgustingly rich. The wedding was tremendous and every relative from every corner of the galaxy was invitied (the one time I DID see Geddy Lee). I was only three, but I remember every detail about the wedding because it was just that magnificent. Since that day, I've never been able to enjoy mating rituals because they pale in comparison to *that* spectacle.
David and I were originally going to be married in city hall and have a small reception elsewhere. That suit me fine because all weddings were flat in the face of afore mentioned Superwedding. When I saw the place where my parents planned the reception, *I* was the one who changed my mind. The reception place was small, had a dumb name ('Fantasy Farms'), but was gorgeous beyond belief. We held the entire wedding there and I really enjoyed myself even though I hate the exact same things you do -- oh, you forgot a +1000000 for 'wedding photos.' No one's more in the centre of attention than a bride. Forget the groom, he doesn't exist.
Posted by Red Draco @ 08/12/2002 03:43 PM EST
Weddings don't necessarily suck; stereotypical weddings most definitely suck. *twitch*
There's so much that can be customized with that framework, though - basically all you need is the legal end to be taken care of, and the rest is just a party. Screw wedding traditions, most of them are lame.
If I ever got married (I won't, at this point, and not by choice) I'd go for "exactly what I and my partner want and guaranteed to annoy the snot out of everyone else because it's OUR wedding, not YOURS, dammit" mode. Which would probably involve period costume and/or music that makes people uncomfortable. (I still sadistically enjoy the suggestion of a college friend who claims she will have "Dance, Motherfucker, Dance" by the Violent Femmes played at her wedding reception.)
Anyhow, congratulations to both of you on doing it your way. That's all. :)
Posted by StB @ 08/13/2002 10:32 AM EST
I'm actually very happy that you are married, Moon. I really am. =^_^= Although, since you two had been living together for so long, I figured you would probably already have a common law marriage. And I am sure you were also aware of that. Hee.... So be very, very happy!
Gee....my brother got married in April and his wedding didn't suck....I really enjoyed it. They basically had a typical, traditional wedding. However, I will NOT go back and watch the....videos my mom took of the entire ordeal. I will NOT. Or at least, not any of the parts that I am in. *shudder*
What I did hate about it though was yes, the clothes. I hated wearing a tux at first, but after sweltering in the reception hall for several hours, the clothes pretty much melded with my body and I became one with them, and got used to them. Taking pictures was also kind of annoying, especially waiting for them...And of course, my mother. She would NOT calm down. She complained about her face turning purple, which it did. Well, it was her own fault for not calming down and not even trying to control herself. I found her beginning to be annoying.
However, something funny almost happened. The best man almost forgot the ring! LOL He didn't remember to bring it at first, and before the ceremony, he remembered and went back to get it. If he had forgotten it when the ceremony itself took place, my brother probably would have laughed. Hee...
I can understand you wanting to be married without all the fuss, Moon. But, well, I don't think I would go that way myself. Especially since no one would ever want to marry me...But beside from that, I get'cha.
So I'm glad you're married!!! =^_^=
Posted by Wolf @ 08/13/2002 11:20 AM EST
I agree with Suze and W2, Boyfriend is uber-spiffy. You're a lucky lady (and just in case Jim reads this, I'm not feeling particularly unlucky, myself). :)
Jim and I have gone through the whole 'how do we get married without tearing our hair out?' discussion, so I know exactly how you ended up doing things the way you did. I'm impressed with your courage, really.
Jim and I have, I think, decided that we can't get away with not having a 'real' wedding (parents, you know), but we're going to do it as much our way as possible. Traditional Buddhist, preferably. The sort with no talking during the ceremony. And actually knot-tying, which appeals to me greatly, for some reason.
At any rate, I'll email you soon about visiting, etc. I'm so lazy. :)
Posted by Bonnie @ 08/13/2002 02:18 PM EST
Well, I'll admit that I'd kinda figured that out; some time ago you mentioned 'Boyfriend' using a sword or some such that you'd gotten as a wedding present.
Still, though, getting married in an empty jury room in jeans and a t-shirt is the way to go. Many congratulations!
Posted by JK The Mad @ 08/13/2002 02:40 PM EST
Oh my...hehe. There I was thinking I'd have someone to look up to for not being married, but now that I look at the way you two went about all of it, it does seem kinda cool. But I still don't think I'll be doing that. I'm very happy for you. How's the new kitty?
Posted by Tiffany @ 08/13/2002 07:23 PM EST
First: Red Draco? I would have gladly braved a rich-people wedding to meet Geddy Lee. ^_^
Second: Moo, that's pretty much how Mom and Stepdad got married. Except they had to sort of get hitched on the sly like because Stepdad's ex-wife is a psycho.
And third: I am, for many reasons, very, very glad ex-Mate and I never actually got married. One reason: I did not want to have to deal with his freaky Fundy parents, who would have insisted on the whole white dress-church-Jesus' name-etc affair, and with whom ex-Mate would have sucked up to and agreed with just to shut them up. I also feared that my mom and stepmom, and quite possibly my dad, would end up in a big pissing contest with them over same. And, y'know, because it was a lot less trouble for him to say "Let's break up" and for me to say "Get the hell out of my apartment" than it would have been to have the divorce we sure as hell would have. :)
Posted by chaobell @ 08/13/2002 09:30 PM EST
Awww... I wanted to marry you!
Posted by RL @ 08/14/2002 08:29 AM EST
Right on! To me a wedding is an economic contract - promises are personal or no good at all. Glad you did it your way
-Mari
Posted by Mari @ 08/15/2002 12:32 AM EST
Moo, I agree with you completely on the "not wanting to have a wedding, just wanting to be married" thing. I'm in the same boat myself at the moment - I'm engaged, and we're supposed to be getting married next year. So we should be up to our eyes in brochures sorting out the venue and the dress and the honeymoon and everything, right?
Wrong. We've only just got round to discussing who we're going to invite. I think I was in shock that I'd asked her, and she was in shock that she'd agreed!
I started of thinking that if I was going to do this thing at all, I might as well do it right. But the more I think about it, the more I want to just leap on a plane and get married in Vegas or something.
Oh, and you forgot to mention something of the points list - realising that you're going to actually have to take out a loan (or rob a bank) to actually pay for this thing that you didn't want to be doing in the first place: +1,500 (or so - your pointage may vary :)
Posted by JohnnyBoy @ 08/15/2002 01:03 PM EST
Hooray for a long engagement and non-traditional wedding! I rather thought that my father's second wedding was awesome. He and his spouse had both done the wedding thing before, so they were in no rush and felt no need to go to grandiose lengths. They had what amounted to a six or seven year engagement (after they'd already dated several years, mind you). When they finally tied the knot, they hopped on down to the Municipal Building, got married by a justice of the peace while Dad's parents stood as witnesses, and had a small reception at their house. Sadly, I missed it, as I was starting my second semester of college and was transportationally impaired.
Similar to your Husband/Boyfriend dichotomy, even though we're aware that Dad and Judy are married, it really has no major meaning. They'd been together for years before that, engaged for so long they may as well have already been formally espoused, and there was no change in their lifestyle after the ceremony. They were and are together and that's sort of all that ever seems to need to be said about it. It seems like such a wonderfully laid-back sort of way to get married.
Posted by Kiwi @ 08/16/2002 02:09 AM EST
you made me yelp in the lab aaaa !
Posted by Laine @ 08/16/2002 05:26 PM EST
Hey Moon. Since everyone else was extremely reluctant to say it, I'll say it: CONGRATULATIONS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!!!! Long life, many kids (NOT!) and so forth and so on.. now where was I......
Posted by Sheerlyevil @ 08/18/2002 08:51 PM EST
There's a little-known law down here in Texas that if you introduce someone as your husband/wife in public three times, then you're legally married. That is, unless you're both of the same sex. Some bass-ackwards state, huh?
Posted by Duo Maxwell @ 08/18/2002 09:39 PM EST
