And now, for those of you who just don't have the time to search out and read new fanfic, I present ... Every Fanfic Ever Written! (With, possibly, a few exceptions.) Now you never need to read another fanfic as long as you live, including mine, because by the time you finish reading this blog you will have already read it!
So don't say I never did anything nice for you.
UPDATE/EDIT, TWELVE HOURS LATER: Wouldn't you know, I forgot a few, the AU, the AU, Part 2, the Fish Out Of Water, and the Crossover. Not any more!
(CHARACTERS do something interesting. CAMERA fades to black in the middle of it.)
CAMERA: Well, I'm done here.
AUTHOR: Like hell you are.
CHARACTER: Alas, I do not have much of a backstory.
AUTHOR: Now you do!
CHARACTER: ... hooray?
EXTREMELY MINOR CHARACTER: I have no backstory, no personality, and perhaps three lines of dialogue.
AUTHOR: Well, we can't have that.
CHARACTER: I'm OOC.
MARY SUE: I'm stereotypical.
(Awkward moment.)
CHARACTER: I love you.
MARY SUE: I love you too, snookie-ookie-wookums.
CHARACTER: Something is wrong.
SELF-INSERT: I can fix it!
(She does.)
CHARACTER: You're very strong.
SELF-INSERT: I can beat you all up!
CHARACTER: You're fourteen.
SELF-INSERT: And I can solve all your problems!
CHARACTER: That's wonderful! We trust you utterly!
CHARACTER: So, here it is, five or twenty or a hundred years later.
OTHER CHARACTER: We're all old and we've gotten on with our lives.
(Something happens.)
CHARACTER: Well, shit. Everybody?
OTHER CHARACTER: I'll be right there! Where are my false teeth?
CHARACTER: ... this isn't an AU, I'm just ridiculously OOC.
OTHER CHARACTER: I think that's thanks to the freakishly modern-day setting.
CHARACTER: ... someone, help, I'm having an identity crisis!
OTHER CHARACTER: Jeans! I'm wearing jeans!
CHARACTER: Help me! I've been yanked out of my world and dropped into the real world!
AUTHOR: Hi there!
CHARACTER: Help!
(See: MARY SUE.)
CHARACTER: I am flirting.
OTHER CHARACTER: I am flirting too.
CHARACTER: Aren't we cute?
OTHER CHARACTER: We are!
(They kiss, or hug, or just eye each other meaningfully.)
CHARACTER: This is so wrong.
OTHER CHARACTER: Yet this is so right.
CHARACTER: I love you yet I hate you.
OTHER CHARACTER: Shut up, bitch, and kiss me.
CHARACTER: Fuck you!
OTHER CHARACTER: Hey, don't mind if I do.
CHARACTER: Noooo!
(Someone dies or kills self.)
CHARACTER: Woe.
(Bad shit happens.)
CHARACTER: Angst.
(More bad shit happens, sometimes in flashback.)
CHARACTER: Alas.
(CHARACTER dies or kills self.)
CHARACTER: Woe.
OTHER CHARACTER: I'm sorry.
CHARACTER: Angst.
OTHER CHARACTER: I wish I could help.
CHARACTER: Alas.
OTHER CHARACTER: Please, let me heal your soul.
CHARACTER: Okay.
(Everything becomes fine.)
CHARACTER: Something OOC and highly ironic.
OTHER CHARACTER: Equally OOC and ironic response.
(OOC stuff happens.)
YET ANOTHER CHARACTER: Highly OOC ironic commentary.
(Hopefully, the READERS laugh.)
CHARACTER: Well, we've had a very sweet innocent loving relationship for a while now.
OTHER CHARACTER: Are those the credits?
AUTHOR: You bet they are!
CHARACTER: Wanna live happily ever after, or failing that, have filthy sex?
OTHER CHARACTER: Sure!
CHARACTER: I quote lyrics to a popular song in a meaningful way.
AUTHOR: I am saved from having to be original.
CHARACTER: More lyrics are quoted as I perform appropriate actions to them.
AUTHOR: I hurt people with my perceived depth.
READERS: AUGH get this BSB song out of my skull AUGH.
CHARACTER: Angst. Woe. Oh dear. Oh no.
AUTHOR: Hey! Not like that, that rhymes.
CHARACTER: Oh. Sorry. Um. Angst. Woe. Depression. Sentence fragments. Oddly indented phrasing.
AUTHOR: That's better.
CHARACTER: ... but why would we celebrate Christmas? We're so obviously not Christian.
OTHER CHARACTER: And I've not really the type to be this happy.
YET ANOTHER CHARACTER: It doesn't snow in this town!
AUTHOR: Shut up and string tinsel. My fic.
CHARACTER: Nothing is happening.
AUTHOR: Mood.
OTHER CHARACTER: Nothing is still happening.
AUTHOR: Mood.
CHARACTER: But it's not happening in a very pretty and adjectival way.
OTHER CHARACTER: So it is.
AUTHOR: Mood.
(READERS snore.)
Replies: add your comment: currently 25 comments
U. fu. fu. fu. fu.
Care to do the same for critiques? XD
Posted by Kristi @ 04/29/2002 12:31 PM EST
The Thirty-Six Dramatic Fanfic Situations.
You are the hero of the people!
Posted by AJ @ 04/29/2002 01:03 PM EST
Damned if that isn't EXACTLY how everything goes too!
Posted by Beccish @ 04/29/2002 01:27 PM EST
Lurvely!
Posted by Big Big Truck @ 04/29/2002 01:53 PM EST
well, now I feel like I shouldn't be writing my post-game fic. You spoiled it, dammit! T_T Now evryone will know that there is filthy sex and/or cuteness, and an attempt at explaining what the hell happened!
*wanders off muttering about people who don't mark their spoilers*
Posted by benimaru @ 04/29/2002 02:30 PM EST
THE SYCOPHANTIC COMMENT
MOONCALF: Here, have some brilliance!
SUZE: Don't mind if I do. Damn, Moo, you rock.
MOONCALF: I sure do, little bdager girl. I /sure do/.
Posted by Suze @ 04/29/2002 03:36 PM EST
Thank you ever so much for making fun of songfics. As I read that, the sun came out.
Celebrate good times!
Posted by Red Draco @ 04/29/2002 07:16 PM EST
Well, hell. And I was just going to go read some sappy Trowa/Quatre Gundam Wing fanfic, but you've spoiled it! Now I can just hari kari all over my keyboard at having thought of reading sappy T/Q fic. Ugh.
Posted by Bonnie @ 04/29/2002 08:09 PM EST
god, i don't know how you manage to be so hilarious all the time:)
Posted by Kyrn @ 04/30/2002 12:06 AM EST
oh god! It's all SO TRUE!
Posted by D.K. @ 04/30/2002 12:31 AM EST
(*hackcoughsputterSNERK*) Damn it, these hiccups are going to take forever to get rid of! Suze, you are SO not helping either!
Posted by Hollie @ 04/30/2002 01:33 PM EST
BRILLIANT COMMENTARY ON FANDOM
MOONCALF: Commentary, brilliant, funny. Worship me.
READERS: Worship, worship.
MOONCALF: Good boys.
Posted by Felicity @ 04/30/2002 02:12 PM EST
*drops another comment on the happy pile*
Posted by StB @ 04/30/2002 02:23 PM EST
You rule so much it hurts. I feel like a fanfiction writing tool, and I'm laughing too hard to care.
Posted by Lunar @ 04/30/2002 08:27 PM EST
*screams with laughter*
Mooncalf, I love you. *merrily throws herself onto the pile of Mooncalf-worshippers*
Posted by Yscaldine @ 04/30/2002 11:33 PM EST
Oh good I needed some ideas. *evil grin*
As if the shit already on my page doesn't suck enough. Hehe.
Posted by Tiffany @ 05/01/2002 10:16 PM EST
I have decided that you are god. Who wants to be the head priest/ess of the Moo Cult?
Posted by Chiyo @ 05/02/2002 02:55 PM EST
Sorry, gang, the job for head priest/ess of the Moo Cult is already mine.
Posted by Father Moon @ 05/02/2002 11:48 PM EST
I love my daddy!
Posted by Mooncalf @ 05/03/2002 12:23 AM EST
I don't even know what fic is, and I still think this is funny.
Who is Mary Sue?
Posted by Will Sargent @ 05/03/2002 03:55 AM EST
'Mary Sue' is shorthand for a particular type of original character inserted into a fanfiction. Said original character is nothing more than a thinly-disguised alter ego of the writer (sometimes they aren't disguised at all) and exists for the sole purpose of romancing an existing character (or several characters).
In other words, a Mary Sue fic is a cheap form of wish-fulfillment in which the character that the author like best falls in love with her.
Sad that this form of fic is so common that it has a shorthand term, huh?
Posted by Mooncalf @ 05/03/2002 04:33 AM EST
That was great! I don't read a lot of fic, and in fact I stopped after reading GoWyverns. I haven't read any decent fic since Go Wyverns. No one can compare to the goddess Moon...
Posted by Sheerlyevil @ 05/04/2002 12:50 AM EST
ROTFLMAO! I think that covers just about every type of fanfic, except for MSTs.
MST:
CHARACTER 1: I've got a satellite.
CHARACTER 2: So?
CHARACTER 1: I'm going to put you there and force you to read people like Oscar and Ratliff.
CHARACTER 2: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Posted by man_in_black529 @ 05/07/2002 09:12 PM EST
David Gonterman fics fit into a couple of the mentioned designations, but he'll always have a special classification all his own in me heart ToT.
Good stuff, Moon ToT! But what about the Character Babies fics? Y'know, where Cloud and Tifa get married and have a son named Raine who goes on to save the earth with Cid and Sheila's girl... Cid, and Cait Sith and Red XIII's kid Blue XXII, with Vincent and Lucretia's ghosts' kid Lestat watching over 'em TT.
Posted by Shax @ 05/13/2002 12:23 AM EST
Auuughhh, the Next Generation fic is a plague indeed... but I always suspect them of being Mary Sues in disguise, usually the "I can kick anyone's ass and seem to have an inferiority complex IRL" type of Mary Sue, not the "[name here]-sama and me are just PERFECT for each other, hehehehe[etc.]!" type of Mary Sue.
Eeeghhhh...
Posted by StB @ 05/15/2002 09:27 AM EST
