And now, I blog about smut. Actually, I recycle a long-winded email to a friend, editing it to be a blog entry and not just a ramble. Recycling is good for the Earth and for content, remember. Warnings for smut-talk, rambling, and overuse of the term 'phantom woody'.
First, let me make this distinction: the smut that I choose to read has less to do with the smut I choose to write than you'd think. First, a few words about the smut I choose to read.
I am perfectly capable of appreciating well-written smut no matter whether it's euphemistic or explicit in nature. Note that I said 'well-written'. The purpose of smut is, at base, to arouse. No matter how explicit or fine-tuned your smut is, if I don't get a phantom woody, your smut has missed the point.
Right here, I could waffle, and say that everyone has a different standard of arousal and therefore what doesn't work for me might work for someone else; but after thinking about this for a while, I've come to the conclusion that that's largely not true. If the author writes well and with conviction -- if the author absolutely believes that her smut is a turn-on and is turned on by it -- then I cannot help but respond, at least a little. No matter how far away from my usual tastes it is. The phantom woody twitches even if I feel guilty or disgusted for it, and that's that.
I, personally, think that it's harder to succeed with euphemistic smut, because the flowery euphemisms add another layer of obscurity to the real nitty-gritty of the smut in question. The more layers I have to peer through in order to see the sex, the more likely I am to miss the action that makes my stomach flutter. And, on a more prosaic level, if I'm giggling over someone's 'pink pearl of pleasure', that's kind of distracting for the phantom woody. I promise I'll get over that phrase eventually.
Now, then, about the smut that I choose to write.
Largely, almost entirely, I choose to write masculinized smut, cocks and ass and balls, oh my. It seems clearer, more to the point, more directly effective. You know, in the same way that hitting someone with a baseball bat is more effective than hitting someone with a baseball bat swathed in cotton batting.
Euphemism makes me feel ridiculous. I am twenty-nine years old and not a virgin; I am comfortable with the concept of the penis and what it can and cannot do. And since I tend to write stuff that turns me on, well.
And, as I said above, euphemism is harder, not easier, to write well. And not just in the prosaic 'thinking of a phrase' manner, but thinking of an appropriate euphemism that won't make your reader burst into disbelieving giggles. If you can pull off euphemistic porn that's still a turn-on, I salute you.
If you'll indulge me in a pointless metaphor (and we all know how I like my pointless metaphors), it's like this: your libido has a little tiny spear with a length of red cord tied to it. Your objective is to throw that spear into someone else's libido and pierce through into their sex drive, linking their libido to yours for the minutes or hours it takes to read your smut.
Euphemistic fic adds a layer of fog between your libido and theirs. How thick the fog is depends on how euphemistic you get; but any amount of fog is going to somehow impair your ability to throw straight and true.
But, then, almost all porn is euphemistic at some level. 'Cock' is, no matter how 'crude', a euphemism for 'penis'. And man, if you can write effective twitch-the-phantom-woody smut using nothing but medical/technical terms, man, you are the best writer ever. Medical terms are just as distracting as cutesy euphemisms, to me. Even more so; medical terms are just vaguely nauseous in my mind, because usually when I hear a medical term it's because said part is malfunctioning and needs something disgusting and expensive done to it by a doctor. 'Vagina' makes me think of pap smears, okay?
Euphemism isn't a light switch; you don't just turn it on or off. Euphemism in smut is a literary rheostat, with a thousand phases of 'turn on', if you'll forgive me the smirky phrasing. There is, indeed, a degree of difference between 'erectile tissue' and 'penis' and 'cock' and 'manhood' and 'erect reddened fruit of his loins' and where you set that rheostat in your own writing is up to you.
Me, I set my rheostat to a comfortable 'cock and balls' and relax in the relatively bright light. Quote that one out of context, baby.
Replies: add your comment: currently 7 comments
Towels and phantom woodies and rheostats, oh my!
Awesome as always.
Posted by Big Big Truck @ 04/24/2002 11:28 AM EST
The problem with smut is usually one of two things:
a) for professional smut: it's tailored for a certain audience. I mean, reading a Harlequin romance novel is a hell of a lot different than reading Sharon Green or John Norman's novels. The hard part is wading through the crap to find something that appeals to you. (And, well, spending money on the crap, if your local library is anything like mine.)
b) for non-proffessional smut: (ie, fanfiction) 90% of the writers are BAD. Most of them are under 18, have never had sex, let alone seen a penis. And the slash/yaoi writers are about 5 times worse.
I mean honestly, at a recent Con, the panelists on the yaoi panel asked a room of 100+ yaoi fans where the prostate is actually located. (One of the panelists is a med student.) Only one person knew.
These writers don't know what turns THEM on, let alone anyone else. ;^_^
Posted by Kristi @ 04/24/2002 01:12 PM EST
...I have images of little libido people tossin' spears dancing around my head now.
Reading wise, I think my rheostat is nice and comfy with 'cock and balls'; euphemistic stuff tends to have me laughing too hard.
Posted by Quez @ 04/25/2002 05:32 AM EST
'The Libido People' would be a great name for a band.
Posted by Mooncalf @ 04/25/2002 11:36 PM EST
Would they sing a song entitled "Phantom Woody"?
Posted by Adobe @ 04/28/2002 11:55 AM EST
Hmmmm. I find sometimes masculine guy smut with silly euphemisms hilarious. For example, "he jerked his pisscan and spewed hot jizzcream all over his tight bud..." O.K. that wasn't really a quote. I made it up. Honest. uh.... But you see what I mean. Just as silly as "pink pearl of pleasure".
Posted by Sheerlyevil @ 04/28/2002 08:38 PM EST
I know exactly what you mean. I can't help laughinga at some of the euphemisms some people come up with. When writing my one and only fanfic (not edited yet, alas) I tried to think of a euphemism that didn't sound dumb, and gave up after I couldn't think of any
Posted by Kyrn @ 04/29/2002 02:14 AM EST
