WARNING: This entry is without a doubt the most sickeningly disgusting thing I have ever written. If you have a weak stomach or are currently eating something, I recommend you skip this entry, which deals with bodily malfunction. Unfortunately for everyone, it's something I feel like I have to rant about. All right, now that you're warned, on to the gross.
In the past, I've mentioned how I dislike underwire bras. And now, I'll tell you why.
When I was in college, it was a bit harder to find bras in my size than it is now. Every bra that I owned was worn long past its 'retire by' date. At one point, due to a combination of factors, I had exactly two bras, both underwire. And both of those bras had experienced Underwire Eruption: the underwire had exploded out of its fabric casing on one end or the other.
On one bra, it had exploded out of the middle; every time I wore that bra, there would soon be a proud 'underwire erection' growing out of my cleavage, until I noticed and shoved the underwire back into its little nest. But soon enough, there would be a pointy little tent in my shirt again.
On the other bra, it had exploded out of the armpit side under my right boob. And once an underwire scents freedom, it will slide for it with every move you make.
We are now approaching the gross.
One morning, I went to put on the armpit-eruption bra. In order to stave off the inevitable, I put a Band-Aid over the end of the casing, to help hold the wire in place. Which did help, for about an hour, before the underwire ripped through the Band-Aid, as well. In the process, it lost the little plastic cap that was designed to keep the underwire from lacerating my skin.
It hurt like blazes, but I didn't have time to go back to my room, so I'd just keep shoving the underwire down every five minutes and bitching. When I got back to my room that evening, before dinner, I discovered that it was a very good thing that I'd been wearing a black t-shirt, because there was a deep laceration in my armpit that had been merrily bleeding down my side all day.
I cleaned myself up the best I could, put on the other bra, and went to dinner with a washcloth folded up in my armpit.
Gross incoming.
Unfortunately, since the human armpit is a dark, dank and sweaty place, more often than not coated in chemicals meant to deodorize, the laceration got infected. And the laceration was deep enough that the infection got into the lymphatic nodes, there in the armpit.
And there that infection stays, to this day.
Every three or four months, the infection recurs. The lymph node in my right armpit swells up and becomes incredibly painful to the touch. I can't lie on that side at all, and moving my right arm creates constant twinges of pain. So does not moving my right arm. So does having a right arm, really.
After about a week of this...
... the swollen lymph node, having nowhere else to go, explodes out through the skin of my armpit.
Buckets of half-rotten lymph, pus, and blood come pouring out of the deep dark bloody pit that was carved by the underwire ten years ago and go running down my side, and I have to spend the next couple of hours in the bathroom mopping the foul-smelling yellowish guck up with tissues. Hopefully I managed to get my clothes off before they got soaked.
Eventually it tapers off and I wash up (this hurts, let me tell you) and disinfect as best I can (oh boy does this hurt) and walk around with a washcloth in my armpit for the next few hours. At least now the swelling is over, and so the pain has receded.
And eventually the disturbingly deep pit sort of heals over (pink and shiny skin, like a burn), and the cycle is over for a few more months.
Gross, and pointless, and I apologize.
I hereby submit to you that the human body is not really meant to be rubbed with metal, and if you have an underwire bra that's exploded? Get rid of it.
Replies: add your comment: currently 18 comments
I had a similar thing happen to me. Except it was in between my breasts so no matter how I moved my body I was in a lot of pain. It was actually caused by the little plastic strips in those cheep wall mart bras. I was in 7th grade at the time too.
Posted by Celes @ 04/13/2002 06:36 AM EST
Ooh, ow, I'm sorry you have to go through that. n_n I guess that's another reason for me to dislike underwire bras...
Posted by lyn @ 04/13/2002 08:52 AM EST
I've never worn an underwire bra, and now I think I never shall. I will just let my huge floppy breasts sag like sacks of baking powder in my very put-upon, strained regular bra.
curse breasts anyway. Whoever designed the female body needs a beating.
Posted by benimaru @ 04/13/2002 10:20 AM EST
This would be one of the reasons why I always, always wear sportsbras. That, and they're comfortable as frig and, being nothing more than cotton, won't rip gaping holes into your upper torso :).
Ewww, might I add. And wait, did you say 'cycle'? 0_o
Posted by Lex @ 04/13/2002 04:30 PM EST
And there is my 30th reason for wearing a sports bra. Cotton, stretchy, comfortable, stretchy (as in it grows with you! The one I'm wearing now has been around for 3 years!), easy-to-wash, non-exploding, and, if you have the right color, if you soak your t-shirt, they won't show! HEE! Or maybe that's just Victoria's Secret bras...
Posted by Nagia @ 04/13/2002 06:08 PM EST
Yup, cycle. As in, this happens to me two or three times a year, every year, for ten years now. Doesn't show any sign of getting better, either. Yecch.
And yeah, I'm all about the sportbras now, uniboob syndrome or not. Mmmm, comfortable.
Posted by Mooncalf @ 04/13/2002 07:08 PM EST
Ew. I know I was warned... Wow Moon that's really awful. I am currently wearing an underwire bra, because my others are in the laundry (somewhere) Wow. If anyone can point me out a size 50 sportsbra anywhere, I am in like Flynn! Sportsbra.. I need one of those...
Posted by Sheerlyevil @ 04/13/2002 10:06 PM EST
Sheerlyevil -- Check out your local Lane Bryant. They have great bras in real woman sizes (by which I mean something larger than a C cup) and have a whole bunch of bras that are built like normal bras out of sports bra fabric. This means that you get the comfort without the Uniboob.
Meanwhile, I shall cue the rant about GOD DAMN IT JUST BECAUSE I HAVE DDD CUP BREASTS DOES NOT MEAN THAT MY RIBCAGE IS 50 INCHES AROUND. bitch bitch whine moan god damn it finding a 38DDD bra is like pulling hens' teeth and I have to settle for 42DDD and wear them on the third hook in and put up with them being loose.
Meanwhile, Moo, don't worry about the TMI. I could probably have you beat. Three words: ingrown pubic hairs.
Posted by D @ 04/14/2002 02:38 AM EST
...you know, I'd always thought that having an unhealed wound was a bitch. But NAY, having a regularly exploding lymph node definitively sucks worse.
Er. Have you ever had a doctor look at it?
Posted by Piper @ 04/14/2002 05:35 AM EST
Damn me and my morbid sense of curiosity...it has finally gotten me into something I—partially—regret. I can't even IMAGINE having to deal with that once, more or less 3+ times a year. Moon, I really feel for you. Okay, maybe I can imagine having to deal with it once, but definitely not in multiple instances. Eyagh.
Posted by Safaia @ 04/14/2002 12:19 PM EST
Jesus, Joseph and Mary. That must have been, um, surprising, the first time. To say the least.
Antibiotics don't do anything for it? That doesn't seem like something it'd be good to just live with. Is there some sort of surgery you could have done?
Posted by AJ @ 04/14/2002 09:31 PM EST
Wow, that totally owned me. My jaw hit the floor and my eyes were wide as saucers towards the end... I'm so sorry. o_o
Posted by StarKodama @ 04/15/2002 04:58 AM EST
You could probably get surgery (or antibiotics) for that. Sounds awful - you have my sympathies.
I promise that when I'm Queen of the Western Hemisphere, there will be 34C+ bras in abundance, with those nice wide padded straps, and no metal at all. Except maybe for the clasps.
Posted by Big Big Truck @ 04/15/2002 12:29 PM EST
Oh, and the big bras will be the cute ones.
Posted by Big Big Truck @ 04/15/2002 12:30 PM EST
Sportsbras. The refuge of the cursed women. Now if only there were something similar that reduced the sixe of one's hips.
Posted by skimmer @ 04/16/2002 02:12 AM EST
Educational as always, Moonie. No underwire bras for me now!
And ya know, it seems like I hear from half the female populus that "real women" are somewhere between A and B, and the other half says that "real women" are a D or more.
Posted by Tim F! @ 04/16/2002 05:43 PM EST
Yah know... I half think there needs to be a blogring exclusively for boobrant, considering that I can name at least seven blogger chicks (including myself) that have hit DD or above territory. God, I feel your pain. Although I did figure out a great recycling system for erupted underwires myself: my college roomate was exactly one cup size smaller than me, so I just yanked the wires out and gave my dead bras to her. Besides, she badly needed bras that weren't just plain white, given that her BF the transvestite had a corset collection that could have clothed the entirity of Victorian London.
Posted by G. S. @ 04/16/2002 11:07 PM EST
eeek...that's pretty much enough to convince me.
Posted by Kyrn @ 04/29/2002 02:10 AM EST
