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01/30/2002 Entry: "RPG's Rules of Order, Vol. 3"

RPG's Rules of Order, Vol. 3:

The Death? I Scoff At Death Rule: Death is never much of an obstacle unless everyone traveling with you happens to be dead at once. There will always be some common item, sold relatively cheaply in stores, that can 'cure' the condition known as death, which is, in all truth, simply another status condition.
However, no townsperson has ever been smart enough to purchase or use said item, and therefore, once dead, they stay dead. This is ample proof that adventurers, no matter how stupid, are smarter than ninety-nine percent of the population.

The That's Not Death This Is Death Rule: However, if an adventurer somehow dies outside of combat, they are dead forever and no amount of healing items can reverse this. Said death will, generally, be accompanied by very pretty sad music and FMV, and therefore will more or less be worth it.

The That's Not Death This Is Death Rule, Deus Ex Machina Corollary: That is, they are dead forever or until they pop back up to save your collective hineys from a hopeless situation. If you do not actually see them die/touch their cold dead body, they are not, in fact, dead. However, you are required by the rules of etiquette to believe wholeheartedly in their deaths and display an appropriate amount of angst.

The Two-Timing Bastard Rule: Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to have feelings for more than one person. If you find yourself in love with two people, one of them will almost certainly end up having to sacrifice him/herself to save you/the rest of the party. They will, of course, do this happily and instruct you to be happy, leaving you and the surviving paramour to be wracked with pain and guilt and angst. One wonders whether they do this to be cruel.
However, two or more people having feelings for you is perfectly safe, so long as you do not reciprocate. Indeed, this situation should be considered normal.

The Buyer's Market Times Infinity Rule: While the shops may only carry three or four items, shopkeepers will always have an unlimited amount of said items to sell you. Considering that there are, usually, only one or two normal-sized chests behind the counter, you may be tempted to attempt to purchase these magical chests. This never works.

The Buyer's Market Times Infinity Rule, Decoration Exception: Ignore all the pretty stuff hanging from the walls and the chests behind the counter; it is highly unlikely that you will be able to acquire any of these things. In the long run, it is best for everyone concerned that you simply purchase what is offered you.

The Seller's Market Rule: All shopkeepers, no matter how poor they appear, will be able to afford to buy anything you should choose to sell them. This includes even the rarest and most valuable items. However, be warned: if you sell them something rare, you will, generally, not be able to buy it back. This is because shopkeepers are greedy. That is how they made all that money in the first place.
(all buyer's and seller's rules suggested by Nezumi)

The We're Going This Way Rule: If it is ever blatantly obvious which way you are supposed to be going, under no circumstances should you go that way until you have been positively everywhere else. Be sure to explore every tiny byway first and gather treasure. Don't worry. No one will mention your tardiness. The king will wait on you.

The We're Going This Way NOW Rule: No matter how many times other people and your own companions tell you that you must hurry, as long as there is no visible timer/pursuit/impetus, there's no real need to hurry at all. Feel free to wander around and get into trouble. The worldshaking events, much like the king, will wait patiently for you to arrive. This may cause you to develop an inflated view of your own importance. While you are, undoubtedly, the most important person(s) on the planet, we advise you to act as if you were not.

The No, Really, Going This Way NOW Rule: Even those enemies whom you can clearly see waiting for you will patiently wait for you. You may feel free to run around in idiotic little circles less than ten feet in front of them, and they will neither move to intercept you nor, indeed, say anything at all. We infer from this that most of your opponents are more interested in posing attractively than actually fighting you.

Replies: add your comment: currently 1 comment

Yaay, first again!!

What more can I say, Moon? You're a scholar. Where would we be without you?

Posted by Wolf @ 01/30/2002 01:34 PM EST

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