RPG's Rules Of Order, Vol. 1:
The Guards And Wards Rule: All towns are, by definition, completely safe unless you are explicitly warned otherwise, no matter how powerful the fiends outside it may be. It does not matter if the town has no walls. The town is safe. From this we may draw the conclusion that most fiends are allergic to cobblestones.
The Rule Of Circles: The simple act of running around in a circle like an idiot will, eventually, draw the attention of ravening monsters bent on your death, provided that you do so outside of town. Therefore, actually traveling somewhere is generally not recommended but often required, and will always draw the attention of the aforementioned ravening monsters.
The Rule Of Circles, Invisible Corollary: You will, however, be either so intent on getting to your destination or running in circles that you will never see these enemies coming, no matter how open and visible the terrain. We may, therefore, surmise that all fiends have the classic AD&D version of invisibility cast upon them, that falls only when they attack.
The Rule Of Circles, Exception: Certain worlds do not support invisibility, and you may therefore see your enemies coming. However, said enemies will generally stick to a preplanned path, letting you walk within inches of them and be left alone, provided you do not touch them. There are exceptions, generally involving charging enemies. Don't worry. They won't chase you far.
The World Is A Pane Of Glass Rule: Invisible enemies must always announce their attacks by either: a) shattering the landscape like a pane of glass over the PC's heads and sweeping away the shards, b) smearing the landscape like so much wet paint or c) disassembling the landscape into geometric pieces and moving them away in some pleasing configuration. The only allowable exception is for particularly stable and unbreakable landscapes; in this case, enemies are allowed to simply blink out of existence and reappear somewhere more defensible.
The Rows Of Three Rule: Upon entering combat, all combatants must take the time to form into neat rows facing each other and await orders. Generally, each side will consist of one to four combatants, all formed into a precise military row. If there are more than four combatants, there will be some multiple of three or four, formed into neat ranks.
The Wait Your Turn Rule: Once the rows have been formed, there must be a significant delay before anyone may move. This delay is generally acknowledged to be to permit the rousing fight music to properly start. After this period has passed, combatants may begin to step forward and perform their actions, but must take turns. No two combatants may ever act at once, save for specifically rehearsed combinations. Said combinations will void both combatants' turns.
The Da-Dum Da-Dum Rule: If, at the beginning of the battle, you hear music that is different from the usual track, it is time to remember where you stored the powerful healing items.
The Boom Boom Rule: Save for very particular fiends, most monsters, upon dying, will fall back and explode into tiny pieces, vanishing from sight. Humans with names do not generally die but merely concede defeat and vanish, to be fought later. Don't worry, they'll eventually actually die, if only from old age. Your comrades, of course, do not explode. No, not even the incredibly annoying girlchildren.
The Quid Pro Quo Rule: Nothing is ever free. If you require a service, an item, or a bit of information from someone, you will either be required to face a tortuous quest in his name or simply to fight him directly. Even when the entire world is under threat of certain doom and you are recognizably the only person who can save it, no shopkeeper will ever simply give you the things you need. It does not, apparently, matter to them if you fail because you were ill-equipped. In addition, most fiends carry around small piles of gold and useful items. No one knows why. They never seem to use the items in question against you, and the items are, therefore, completely useless to the monsters. But you must kill the monsters to get them to relinquish the item in question; one surmises that perhaps they are keepsakes of personal meaning.
The Quid Pro Quo Rule, Mad Skillz Corollary: Nothing is ever free, unless it appears in a treasure chest, in which case you are free to open and loot it no matter where it happens to be situated. There will be no repercussions. As long as you are physically and mentally capable of getting to the treasure chest, you obviously deserve whatever is inside, even if it is located inside a person's home or in the castle's treasury.
The Quid Pro Quo Rule, Exception: Occasionally, if you speak to a perfect stranger, they will give you something. You should, therefore, walk up to everyone you can find and say 'Hello' three or four times. Eventually, they will become so bored with you that they will start repeating themselves. You may take this as a sign to move on, as there will be no further handouts.
The Bait And Switch Rule: The enemy that you are most concerned with at the beginning of your quest will not be your ultimate foe. Indeed, the enemy that you are most concerned with ninety-seven percent of the way through your quest may not be your ultimate foe. Ultimate foes, like pocket lint, often appear to spring from nowhere with no good reason and are more of an annoyance and a distraction than anything else. However, unlike pocket lint, ultimate foes are generally not soft wads of fiber that tend to get caught under one's fingernails.
Replies: add your comment: currently 8 comments
I think I just realised one of the reasons I like Breath of Fire 3 so much. It's one of the few console RPGs I've seen in which you spend significant portions of the game with no discernible 'enemy' at all, and in which the early vendetta that constitutes the closest thing to 'fake villian syndrome' that I can think of the main plot don't pretend to be the Great Evil Threatening the World! or the Main Plot of the Game, but rather just some really pissed-off dudes with a score to settle with a small blue-haired boy who had happened to fall in with some disreputable companions. Your discussion of cliches helped gel this particular realisation in my mind, so I guess that's a 'thank you' to you, Moon.
Posted by Nathan @ 01/26/2002 06:27 AM EST
You realize of course that Star Ocean 2 breaks at least two of those rules. When you enter battle, the party (and, indeed, the monsters) are rarely lined up in neat rows, and nobody really waits their turn. Even if they're idiots for not waiting.
OTOH, many bosses break the invisible rule. Some bosses are so confident in their own power that they refuse even the simplest invisibility spells, preferring instead to intimidate you from afar before stomping your asses. They will however, always be situated directly in the way, so you cannot simply go around this obvious threat.
Posted by Nezumi @ 01/26/2002 09:31 AM EST
I giggle now because it's true.
*giggles*
Was it a manly giggle?
Posted by Bloody Ink Pen @ 01/26/2002 12:19 PM EST
LOL!! It's true!! It's true!! Oooh, the humanity!! It's true!!
LOL!!!
This is why we all love you, Moon.
Posted by Wolf @ 01/26/2002 05:14 PM EST
Heh, have you read Fritz Fraundorf's RPG Cliches List, Mooncalf? It's sort of like this, but much more exhaustive and less concerned with the technical aspects.
As for the "monsters staying away from town" rule, that actually makes sense, for the most part. A lot of predatory animals will avoid populated areas, but attack individuals or small groups in the wild. What's really silly is how aggressive everything is in RPGs. Any large bird, insect or lizard you run into will try to kill you, even if it's way too small to actually want to eat you. I want to see an RPG where you just wander around killing small defenseless animals that try to escape.
Posted by AJ @ 01/26/2002 08:33 PM EST
So how are you enjoying FFX, Mooncalf?
In Breath of Fire 3, weren't you trying to kill God the entire time? You get sidetracked so often in that stupid game I can see why you'd forget...
Posted by Vera @ 01/26/2002 08:52 PM EST
Yes, well, overgeneralizing is good for the soul, or at least for the blog... I can think of games that break most of these rules myself. But hey.
Actually, this list was inspired by 'Roger Ebert's Bigger Little Movie Glossary', which I read yesterday. Much the same as this, except for movies instead. I would not be surprised in the slightest to know that I wasn't even the thousandth person to think of all this, but hey, I had fun.
Posted by Mooncalf @ 01/26/2002 10:04 PM EST
Not really, Vera... you have no clue God even really *exists* for most of the game. Mostly it's just Ryu trying to figure out who the hell he *is*, really.
Posted by Nathan @ 01/26/2002 10:59 PM EST
