So I was in the mall today, and I had the following conversation with my breasts:
"So. Tits. I've got a deal for you. I'll buy you this nifty soft silky sports bra (in, might I add, the perfect shade of 'fuck me red') and in return, you don't give me a backache tonight. Sound good?"
They didn't answer me, of course. My breasts and I haven't been on speaking terms since early adolescence, when I spent several years sleeping in an underwire bra in the mistaken belief that it would prevent my breasts from becoming saggy. Ha.
I have two things to note about the above.
1). If you are in a crowded public place and you feel the need to carry on a dialogue (or a monologue) with some part of your body, try to do so as quietly as possible.
2). To help the men in the audience to understand exactly why my breasts refuse to speak to me:
a) Take a piece of incredibly sturdy sheet metal about five inches across.
b) Cut a narrow sharp-ended sharp-edged 'U' shape out of it.
c) Wrap the U-shape in a piece of cotton approximately two molecules thick.
d) Now, sew the U-shape into your underwear in such a way that it is wedged behind and around your scrotum.
e) Wear it out in public every day, smile, and try not to indicate to anyone that the U-shape has burst out of its thin cotton shell to poke sharp metal bits into your not-so-happy bits.
f) Now sleep in that. For four years.
Right, then. I suppose I could rant about why, exactly, large breasts are a trial and a pain in the back and not worth the flesh they're made of (or silicone, if you're one of those poor deluded women), but, you know, it's been done, I don't feel like doing it myself, and all I really wanted to do was write a blog entry that started with the line "So I was in the mall today, and I had the following conversation with my breasts."
Oh, and to get to use the phrase 'fuck me red'.
It's a nice 'fuck me red' sports bra.
Very comfy.
Works, too.
TMI over. Mooncalf out.
Replies: add your comment: currently 8 comments
*snerks* 42DDD over here, sister. I feel your pain.
I have two bras that fit. neither has underwire. I rotate them. Like tires! ...or not. I'm sorry, it's late and I'm tired.
Posted by D @ 01/03/2002 11:54 AM EST
36DDD here. -_- I sleep on the couch now and my back is fine. Go figure.
Posted by Celes @ 01/03/2002 03:11 PM EST
*blush*
LOL Somehow.....I can imagine you having a conversation with your breasts, Moon.....Somehow....it makes sense.....
And I LOVE the opening line!! LOL
:D
And that does sound awfully painful, I just want you to know I am trying to sympathize. There is a co-worker of mine who said she complained about the same thing with her lower back, and got a breast reduction. :/
Posted by Wolf @ 01/04/2002 01:29 AM EST
Oooh urgh ack..... Yes. We are 50 DD according to our owner, and we can feel your pain too. Owner suspects that underwires were invented by evil perverted men who think its funny when said wires poke out and cause pain, embarassment, and so forth..........
Posted by Chereellll @ 01/04/2002 10:10 AM EST
Ara! I want a "Fuck me red" sports bra...
Ee, I'm like the smallest one on this page. *blush* 38D or 38DD (my breasts can't decide). And I'm 15.
*snickers* There should be a holiday when men must wear underwire underwear that poke and prod.
Posted by Wintyr @ 01/04/2002 03:01 PM EST
Oh my... O_O You SLEPT in an underwire??? The pain! I can't even wear those bloody things they hurt so much agh agh oww oooowwww! ... which makes bra shopping a pain in the patookas, as the underwires are what's cheap. Damn comfy sportsbras are a frickin' $40 (Can) a pop... bastard bra makers. It was a guy that made up underwire bras, right? 'Cause he didn't have to wear the firkin' thing... /end rant.
PS. I'm a B cup. I think. I checked... oh, back in HS... no growing since then,I think. X)
Posted by Faith @ 01/04/2002 04:24 PM EST
I didn't realize that "fuck-me" and "sports bra" went together. Ahh, well, there's a first time for everything.
I'm wishing I still had that link for the place that makes those wonderful 36D+ supah sports bras that render one's chest MOTIONLESS.
Ah, well.
Posted by Bigbigtruck @ 01/04/2002 05:42 PM EST
Hrm...I just hit 38DD and my back hasn't killed me yet. I cheat with the underwire though. I take my loving scissors and cut that crap out as soon as they start giving me trouble u_u;
Of course a guy had to come up with the underwire. You think women care if other women's breasts look perky in that sweater??
Posted by Lea @ 01/05/2002 12:00 AM EST
