Once upon a time there was a handsome rugged RPG character who was going to live happily ever after with his friends and then the credits rolled.
Or so it seemed.
You see, the handsome rugged RPG character (hereinafter referred to as 'He') suddenly found himself living in a cliche'. Maybe it was an ancient castle. Or maybe it was a beautiful mansion set deep in the romantic woods. Or maybe it was the afterlife, a lovely garden filled with all of His friends that had ever died. Maybe it was His airship, fitting out lovingly with a brand-new canopy bed and drifting silken curtains.
And somehow, even though He had a lovely girlfriend before the credits rolled, she's missing. Oh, perhaps suddenly she ran away with someone else, or died in a blizzard of angst and cherry blossoms, or decided she didn't love Him any more. Or perhaps she just vanished mysteriously and no one dares to mention her existence. But whatever happened to her, it pales in comparison to what's happening to Him now.
You see, even though He might have been strong or interesting or standoffish before the credits rolled, now He's overwhelmed with these longings. All He can think about is the day when some woman will make His life complete, and He can whisk her away to His cliche' and mistily break her hymen and give her 2.3 orgasms (one of them simultaneous with His, oh His, it will be an orgasm like none He has ever had) and then they can get married and have children and be so so very happy forever and ever, complete in each other. And that's all He can think about any more.
And of course, any personality problems that He had have somehow been ironed out. Whoever He is, He is kind and loyal and generous and loving and tender. But only deep in His heart. He aches for the day when the woman of his dreams will catch Him crying and comfort Him against her capacious bosom, and then He can reveal Himself to her as the paragon of sensitive-yet-manly maleness that He yearns to be. Until then, He must sensitively lean on his friends, who have also undergone these strange personality ironings. They are only too happy to coo over His angst and hug Him and assure Him that the right woman will come along. And He waits. Yearning. Longing. Crying. Anachronizing.
And then one day... She arrives.
And Her name is Mary Sue.
Perhaps She has hair the color of chocolate, or of honey, or hair like black silk that cascades to mid-back. Perhaps Her eyes are crafted from sapphire, or emerald, or amethyst, or jet, or tiger's eye; perhaps Her eyes are cerulean, or viridian, or ebony, or violet. Perhaps Her skin is fair and unblemished, or tanned yet delicate, or dusky and sensuous. It matters not.
This beautiful teenaged virgin from another world, She whose cruel parents and schoolmates did not understand Her sensitive soul (and how they will Pay), has arrived. And She will not rest until His soul is complete. She will use Her nubile young body to bring His soul rest. She will use Her innocent love of chocolate and boybands and kittens to perfect Herself for Him; little did He know that He longed for a woman who loved things He has never heard of. But oh, as soon as He sees Her, He will know.
She is the One.
Perhaps Their eyes meet across a crowded room and a wineglass shatters in His fist as recognition hits Him like a sledgehammer. Perhaps, lonely and afraid, She appears at His doorstep, begging for help. Perhaps He is the one who needs help, after being attacked. Perhaps He rescues Her from certain death/imprisonment/boredom and whisks Her away to protect Her. Perhaps one of His friends introduces Them, smiling to himself about how, perhaps, She can save Him. Perhaps She merely happens upon Him with crystalline tears running down His face, and somehow understands His pain. Still, it matters not.
The courtship is swift and magical, the proposal certain and romantic, the joy bottomless, the passion overwhelming. He is complete, and She is jubilant. Together, They have Bliss. Every one of Her beautiful teenaged dreams has come true; here indeed there is romance and passion to glut Her starved soul. Whatever strange world She is from, She fits here like a hand in a glove, and everyone loves Her. But none so much as He.
Perhaps He must now take up arms and fight for Her, to keep Her safe and by His side. This is optional. Their love needs no test. Their love is deep and true and right, and nothing will part Them.
The wedding is beautiful, and all His friends are there to witness this most perfect union, and they weep with joy to see Him so happy and Her so beautiful. And then, meaningful vows exchanged, He sweeps Her up in His manly arms and bears Her off to the most romantic location that has ever existed, and there...
Oh, there...
There is now the Deflowering. Swathed in silken trails of euphemism They achieve physical union. It is the first time for Her, and yet She is effortlessly brought to orgasm by His tender attentions. Again and again She achieves blissful climax, whispering His name, until finally She is Taken. And together They achieve climax once more. Perfectly. Of course. And then They fall asleep in each other's arms, happier than it is possible to be unless you are an RPG character and His Mary Sue.
Shortly, She discovers that She is carrying his child. And He is ecstatic, overjoyed, brimming with love for Her and Her child. Their child. He sweeps Her gently into His arms. Perhaps He cries again.
The child is swiftly and painlessly born, and given a beautiful name that, perhaps, does not mean in Japanese what Mary Sue thinks it means in Japanese. But this is of little moment. If They were complete before, now They are Whole.
And this joy shall last forever and a day, or until Mary Sue discovers some other rugged handsome RPG character who seeks solace in Her arms. And She, being lovely and perfect and teenaged, shall magically regain Her virginity and Her innocence and fly on, to bring Wholeness to another world.
And then He and their children shall be deserted, to pine in their beautiful cliche', and ask themselves, "Where has our Mary Sue gone?" And perhaps they shall never know. Pity Him, and His deserted children. Pity them, for perhaps in five years their beloved Mary Sue will look back and say, "My God, what was I thinking when I wrote this?!" and consign them to oblivion forevermore.
Truly He has given Her power over Him indeed.
And all for the sake of $49.95 plus Tax.
Replies: add your comment: currently 10 comments
...I think I may have died laughing. Luckily my evil and slightly hateful RPG hero(in the loosest terms) Grudgingly brought me back to life. Then Ran away. .. .. . hmm... Thank you so much for writing this... I havn;t laughed so hard in a long time... you should post it on Fanfiction.net ....please? Save us from themmm!!!!
Tina
Posted by Tina @ 12/06/2001 01:03 AM EST
lol, my god ... it's funny because it's TRUE. That is a scary, scary thing.
Posted by StB @ 12/06/2001 09:04 AM EST
When I die, someday in the far off distance, I want to be reading something that will make me laugh this hard. Yes.
And death to poor me-myself insertions. Ugh.
Posted by Chibix @ 12/06/2001 09:17 AM EST
So when is this RPG coming out?
I can't wait!! It's the most anticipated game of the past 5 years!!
LOL!!!!!
I love your satire and sarcasm, Moon, and just plain telling-it-like-it-is attitude. I hope you never stop. ^_^
Posted by Wolf @ 12/06/2001 09:46 AM EST
You're good at writing, but I didn't laugh...
Posted by Mandy @ 12/07/2001 07:07 PM EST
That's okay, Mandy, I'm laughing hard enough for you too.
Posted by Ed @ 12/08/2001 01:39 AM EST
That was a dumb comment from me, I regret doing it now. I wish I could delete it..
Posted by Mandy @ 12/08/2001 05:04 AM EST
You're a brilliant, brilliant woman, Mooncalf. *Wheeze* The shrine to you in my sock drawer is getting an expansion! *Choke, Laugh*
Posted by Shoiryu @ 12/11/2001 11:24 PM EST
Mooncalf, this is beautiful. I'm in tears.
Posted by Tamerine @ 12/12/2001 11:33 PM EST
And how come the Mary Sue can always remain her tender age of thirteen and still legally love a man of thirty?
Posted by Lesath @ 12/14/2001 10:14 PM EST
