Sometimes, this bothers me. And it should. But a couple of days ago, I sat down and talked to the earth, and she and I struck a deal. It went like this:
EARTH: Yeah, whaddaya w... oh, shit, it's YOU.
MOONCALF: ... yeah. I want to talk to you.
EARTH: Look, I'm a very busy planet! You want to talk? Recycle a couple of pounds of aluminum and talk to my secretary!
MOONCALF: See, that's what I want to talk to you about...
EARTH: ... my secretary?
MOONCALF: No, no. Recycling. Or, uh, my lack of it.
EARTH: Don't tell me you plan to mend your ways. I know you! You talk a good game and then you buy food packaged in plastic! The day you change is the day I initiate a new ice age!
MOONCALF: ... no, but... see, it's like this. I want to cut a deal with you.
EARTH: ... a deal.
MOONCALF: Yeah. A deal.
EARTH: I'm listening.
MOONCALF: I suck, and I'm sorry. But we both know that I'm not going to change any time soon.
EARTH: No shit.
MOONCALF: So here's what I propose: you and your self-appointed agents stop giving me shit about my habits, and in return, I promise not to have kids.
EARTH: ...
MOONCALF: Think about it. If I don't squat out any rugrats, that's one less person draining your resources. Every kid I don't have doesn't have kids of their own. Hell, in four hundred years, that'll be something like 400,000 Mooncalves' worth of trouble I saved you.
EARTH: ... so you're offering to let me naturally select against you.
MOONCALF: I'm willing to collude in my own deselection.
EARTH: In return for letting you be an obese snorting resource hog.
MOONCALF: ... gee, you don't have to put it that bluntly, but yeah.
EARTH: I don't have to mince words. What are you going to do, leave? But... okay, you got a deal.
EARTH: But I swear, you go back on your promise, I'll make you a tornado magnet.
MOONCALF: ... seems fair. Thanks, Earth. You're pretty cool, for a planet.
EARTH: Bah, enough with the flattery.
MOONCALF: Yeah. Now tell your agents to quit bugging me. I'm officially Out of the Recycling Loop.
EARTH: Right, right. Shoo, now, get back on the concrete, stop eroding my topsoil.
Replies: add your comment: currently 11 comments
I'm not sure if I should cry or not, after reading that....
I do what I can and recycle and stuff. I am BIG at NOT wasting paper, and I am so happy that we recycle EVERYTHING where I work. Every littlepiece of paper. And sometimes if it is NOT in a recycling bin, some people get angry!! Heh. I also try not to waste electricity and get on people's cases if they do waste it, as I should. I basically try not to waste anything. However, I can't say the same for all people...
Posted by Wolf @ 10/29/2001 07:07 AM EST
I will make at least an attempt to toss a Coke can in the general direction of a recycling bin if one is around, and though I do haul bags of cans off to the recycler dudes, it's more for the pittance they pay me for them than for the good of the Earth. And I, too, decided not to spawn. For one thing, there's enough rugrats running around; if I change my mind, I can certainly find one to adopt. For another, I am just not a "mommy" person. And for yet another, for reasons beyond my control, attempting to have a kid of my own probably wouldn't be a good idea--if it worked at all, there would most likely be some big problems I'm just not equipped financially or mentally to handle. So, I stick with the cats.
Besides, Mate is enough of a kid for me. Mate and I at the mall is an adventure. "Put that back. No, I'm not buying that, put it down. Don't touch that mannequin. No, we're not buying that, put it back. Put that back in the box. Don't take stuff out of the box! Put the wig back on the mannequin! PUT THAT BACK IN THE BOX. No, you can't just 'sample one piece' out of the Jelly Belly bins. PUT THAT BACK IN THE BOX! Leave the mannequin ALONE!" And so on...
Posted by chaobell @ 10/29/2001 10:08 AM EST
The world does not need little Eds.
And I do recycle my cans, because I'm a frikkin' Californian and my state is polluted as hell. So I recycle my cans AND my newspapers AND my regular paper if I can swing it. And my glass and plastic too. I also conserve water. Aren't I scary?
I make up for all of it in electricity consumption though.
I'd be the world's worst parent, for values of "parent" involving more than repeating, "No, don't touch the computer." every five seconds.
Posted by Ed @ 10/29/2001 12:37 PM EST
I'm big on recycling, but that's just 'cause I'm from Seattleİ I've seen people take an aluminum can out of the trash, and throw it at the head of the person who just put it thereİ
You seeİİİ Washington State is the west coast's biggest exporter of electricityİİİ we sell it to California, you resource hogs, youİ But still, 1/3 of all the electricity made in Washington goes to manufacturing Aluminumİ
So recycle, damn it, 'cause we wanna shut some of these power plants down!
Posted by Lack Thereof @ 10/29/2001 04:36 PM EST
Next time my physical geography teacher gives me crap about not knowing something I'm sending him this.
Posted by Celes @ 10/29/2001 05:23 PM EST
Heh. Nezumi's /way/ ahead of you, hon. A number of years ago, Nezumi decided to do something about it, so he got that darned faucet shut off.
There ain't gonna be no little Nezumi's running around, nosir! Not even by accident.
And for the record, Nezumi does recycle. But that's because it's pretty easy to do around here.
Posted by Nezumi @ 10/29/2001 05:57 PM EST
M'eh... interesting point (entertainingly put o'course). At the risk of sounding psycho, I'd actually mildly encourage some people to reproduce, if they have their heads on straight and won't warp the kids in nonproductive ways. (And on the other hand... well, let's just say that contraceptives packaged with cheap beer wouldn't be a bad marketing tool, m'kay? ;P) Anyhow, not I, said the dog. I can't stand having my genetic setup *myself*, let alone inflicting it on anyone else. Heh.
Recycling - Paper, at work, since the bin-thingy is there. Umm, glass at one parent's house. And that's about all. Sssso... mild smiting for me, I suppose. ;)
Posted by StB @ 10/30/2001 01:37 PM EST
...take a look around. Do you honestly think that any of US would NOT warp our children? o_o
Posted by Ed @ 10/31/2001 07:25 AM EST
Hell, Ed. You warp /other/ people's children.
Posted by Nezumi @ 10/31/2001 10:15 AM EST
Okay, that's my new tagline. Heliophobic.net: Warping your children since 1999. Woot.
Posted by Ed @ 11/01/2001 06:22 PM EST
NO! Moonie! You HAVE TO HAVE KIDS!! All the cool people aren't having kids, so the morons are spawning and three generations down the human race will all be walking around singing Barney songs off-key and drooling!! AAAAAUUGHHHH!
Posted by Yscaldine @ 11/07/2001 03:14 PM EST
