[Previous entry: "Fat Camp Hell, Part 2."] [Main Index] [Next entry: "La La La The Smut Song."]

10/13/2001 Entry: "Fat Camp Hell, Part 3."

WARNING: Part 3 of 3, of a grim, angry, depressing story from my past. This will all make more sense if you scroll down and read the entries in order.

=====

And the saddest thing is that, no matter how bad I had it (and it was bad, believe me), others had it worse. Remember that student of my mother's?
There's a certain point on the Fat Scale beyond which people are just not functional, and she was far, far past that point. She could not physically fit into the shower stalls provided. She actively could not participate in most of the exercise activities; she was just unable to do the things that we were required to do. She could barely walk without physical pain, let alone run or do situps.
And the counselors, untrained and confused as they were, didn't know what to do with her. Hate Botchers camp is designed for people who are twenty to eighty pounds overweight, not three to four hundred pounds overweight. After trying halfheartedly to make up special exercises for her to do (and, of course, thereby setting her apart as an icon to be snickered at by the rest of the camp), they pretty much gave up.
Out of some devotion to my mother, I tried to be her friend, even rooming with her for a while. And she was a very nice girl, she really was; I hope I helped, at least a little. Unfortunately, it may have been that very friendship that caused my own ostracism, at least in part. I'll never know now.

One of the saddest things I've ever seen occurred during the Color War. One of the many competitive events was a tug-of-war; her team suddenly realized that this five-hundred-pound girl was their ultimate advantage. All she needed to do was hold onto the rope and sit down, and no one would ever be able to pull her anywhere.
They were right, of course. They won every single tug-of-war there was. I'll never forget how happy she looked during that hour of her life; it was probably the first and last time anyone would ever cheer her name.
And then the tug-of-wars ended, and her teammates all slapped her on the back and congratulated her... before walking off to dinner with their friends, leaving her alone.
She stopped looking happy pretty soon thereafter.

So I'm fat now, really fat, and I just don't care. The people who leech money off America's hysterical desire to be thin disgust me, almost as much as the people who are hysterical to be thin. If you have to look like you stepped off the cover of Cosmopolitan to feel good about yourself, if being ten pounds overweight makes you nauseated and fills you with self-loathing, then somewhere in your psyche you are shallow, little woman. If I have to be thin and pretty to get your attention, then fuck you, little man, your attention isn't worth the entrance price.

There's one final irony here, and it's the big one. Without the Fat Gulag, I don't know if I could have ever developed such a healthy mental attitude towards body shape. It's a memory that proves to me, once and for all, that the suffering we endure in the name of thin is not worth it.

Replies: add your comment: currently 12 comments

Bravo, Mooncalf! Particularly for that last line... "... the suffering we indure in the name of thin is not worth it". I had someone close to me decide that she was not worth being alive, just because she was around 200 pounds. No matter what I said or did, nothing could change her mind... I'm so glad to see that there are people out there who understand that weight isn't everything. And hell, the experience with her made me realize something very important, that fat is beautiful too; the desire for a thin woman is, after all, the social conditioning of a sexist country.
I just wish I could have had her see that... well, no use looking back on the past, right? Maybe I can convince my slightly-heavy mom and sister that they're just wonderful the way they are. Your story moved me, Mooncalf. Thanks.
(And, uh, please disregard the ramblings of a little emotionally-kicked teenage fool x.o;;;)

Posted by Saikou @ 10/14/2001 12:09 AM EST

Excellent point, I think. Superficiality based on a person's weight is just... not a good thing at all, actually. And I say this from the perspective of a *very thin* person, so it's not as if I have a personally vested interest in the subject. Frankly, I agree with you... putting oneself through pain to be thin just isn't worth it...

Posted by Nathan @ 10/14/2001 12:20 AM EST

I've been reading your blog for a while now, but these past three entries of yours exceed even your best previous posts. I remember being a (or "the", rather) fat kid in elementary school and after the class photo, the popular guys decided to beat me up because, well, they were popular and I wasn't. It was a thoroughly humiliating experience, but it taught me a few things about how people are. Anyway, your entries reminded me of that, but I doubt I could have described it as well. I look forward to further entries of yours, either about this or whatever else.

Posted by Mud @ 10/14/2001 01:29 AM EST

heh, I was the anchor in tug-of-war too... @_@;

Posted by Vera @ 10/14/2001 07:23 AM EST

It's stories like these that really point out the "people are worse off than you" saying. (I hope you don't mind, but I mentioned your three "Fat Camp" entries in my journal.)

Posted by 'Ley @ 10/14/2001 11:38 AM EST

You know, reading the recent entries made me respect you even more than I had in the past. Aside from the good stand on the issue of body shape, you're someone who knows what it means to be bullied.

Posted by Keiiii @ 10/14/2001 09:44 PM EST

You're right. Some people do have it worse. Some people make them selves throw up and such to look "Pretty".

Posted by Shinji @ 10/14/2001 09:58 PM EST

Wow.

Bra-VO, Moon. I honestly hope you someday write an autobiography, because I can tell from this (as well as some other posts) that it would be simply Moontastic! ^_'
You write so well and it comes from a reflection in your soul, I can tell. It is very fluid and rich, and I can imagine what is happening so crisply.
You also make your points well clear, and...it's true. People go out of their way to change themselves into how the media thinks they should look. That's all it is; the media. And the media influence greatly how many people think. Grossly so, in fact.
Sometimes...even if you tell someone there is nothing wrong with them, and you honest-to-God MEAN it....that doesn't work either....I know that from experience....
I don't think anymore can be said, because, dear Mooncalf, you have said it the best way it can be said already.

Posted by Wolf @ 10/15/2001 01:05 AM EST

All the respect I have for you (and there's a lot) has multiplied tenfold after reading these entries, Moonie. I can't even begin to wonder what fraction of the pain you've experienced came across in your writing. ^^;

I think throwing up and starving yourself are easy ways out in this matter (yep, partially from personal experience). It takes far more courage and strength to admit that you'll stay true to yourself and love what you are, no matter what anyone else thinks, than it does to make yourself sick in order to impress your social circle.

Posted by Pirotess @ 10/16/2001 06:37 AM EST

Oh, Moon... Every single person should be made to read this entry. Hell, write a book, and they can make it compulsory reading in kindergarten so people hear it young. I have much respect for you. Good on you for turning something that must have been so, so horrible into an experience you could grow from. I honestly don't think that I would have been so strong.

Posted by lattie @ 10/16/2001 05:35 PM EST

Moon, your outlook on life is amazing and inspiring. I don't know what to say...but I respect you to no ends. You are made of some tough stuff. Yes, this should be required reading...I think it would change people. For the much better.

Posted by Quezzie @ 10/21/2001 11:50 PM EST

Much respect dude. Much respect!

I was a chubby kid. Not a fat kid per se, though I was called that quite alot. At 12 I learned to starve and vomit, thought I was a disgusting pig at 107 pounds, and have had a seriously distorted body view ever since. What I'm trying to say is that I know, in some ways, what the pain can be like and that makes you all the more amazing to me. Bravo. Its wonderful to see someone not only enduring that kind of experience, but coming out of it a better person.

Posted by Andrya @ 10/24/2001 08:11 AM EST