The English language is a dangerous thing. It's not a toy. And it's something that I should not be allowed to play with.
Witness the following series of statements made online, not half an hour ago:
(From Mooncalf: I used to sleep in a bra when I was in junior high school, out of some stupid adolescent misapprehension that it would keep my boobs from getting saggy.)
(From Mooncalf: I slept in an /underwire bra/ every night for /five years/. I have seen hell, and it's a pointy thing in my armpit.)
(From Mooncalf: The only way my boobs wouldn't sag now is if I had my feet stapled to the ceiling.)
(From Mooncalf: Actually, they'd still sag, but they'd sag up.)
(From Mooncalf: Well, down. But... up.)
(From Mooncalf: Dammit, why do people let me play with the English language anyway?)
Why is there not a law regulating the usage of the English language by idiots like me? You wait and see. One of these days, I'm going to make a tragic misstep and metaphorically blow the top of my head off, and lobbyists will force Congress to pass the Mooncalf Bill.
You'll no longer have access to the English language without a 21-day waiting period, and you'll have to buy your punctuation separately in little cardboard boxes. If you want your English language to continue to function, you need to clean it regularly with a small rag on a stick and lots of oil! Language nuts will compare the caliber and rate of fire of their words! Every fall, people armed with the English language will flood our forests, firing devastating salvos of puns at hapless wildlife and the occasional cow! (Ow.)
The English language is, after all, most devastating when sharp and pointed, although perhaps not at high velocity... and we all know how the English language, when misused, can backfire, just blow up in our faces, and hurt us terribly. Of course, there would be plenty of illegal English language being smuggled into the country and put to illicit use, used to settle arguments between drunks and criminals, used to back up the activities of drug smugglers and language-runners... crack down now, America! Don't let your children be wounded by the terror that is the English language! Keep it locked up safely and out of their reach! Let's never let another child be wounded by words!
I... think I'll put this metaphor down now. See? Look at that. I just metaphorically blew my own head off. Get your English language now, before it's too late... I've just ruined it for us all!
Oh, and I should apologize for the oversharing boob rant above. Yes, I should. See? Wasn't it a painful boob rant? Didn't it hurt you? I'm dangerous with the English language! It shouldn't go unregulated! Keep it away from people like me!
Replies: add your comment: currently 4 comments
Painful boob rant? Well ah...you weren't the only person who did that. ^^; Oh well there went my head...
Posted by Tiffany @ 10/08/2001 08:48 AM EST
Dude. English needs to come with a label that says not to operate it when tired or on medication. Because look what I've been doing with it lately.
"I really think that having boobs goes a long way toward making people treat you like a girl."
"My birthstone is AIRPLANE!" (Okay, there was a point to that, but...)
...hell, take basically anything I've said this week. o_o Put the language down and walk away slowly, Ed...
Posted by Ed @ 10/08/2001 09:16 AM EST
It may indeed be true that you can do terrible things with the English language (as your blog entry so *amply* demonstrates), but I sincerely doubt that regulating its usage would solve anything. It will be a sad day when those not of the articulate elite are reduced to wandering about mute and without hope of ever expressing themselves... indeed, without hope of being able to accomplish everyday tasks such as shopping. A curiously silent despair falls upon the country...
And yes, the boob rant was indeed oversharing. My mind is scarred (yet again, but then what should I expect when I repeatedly hang out on your blog? It's as if I'm incapable of learning from experience).
Posted by Nathan @ 10/08/2001 10:55 AM EST
LOL!! I know some people who would find this blog very funny, Moon (because of their doings in English)!!
And nah, the boob rant was okay.
Don't worry too much about that....
^_' j/k
Posted by Wolf @ 10/08/2001 10:57 AM EST
