I hate fanfic.
No. Really. I do. I hate it.
I hate almost every single fanfic that has ever been written, from the beginning of time to now, and I'll continue to hate almost every fanfic that is produced until the sun burns out or I die, whichever occurs first.
I hate fanfic that skimps on description. I hate fanfic that drowns you in description. I hate fanfic that skimps on dialogue, and fanfic that involves thirty minutes of mutual soul-searching before anything can happen. I hate fanfic in which nothing really happens except someone 'coming to a realization' about themselves. I hate fanfic in which too much crap happens in a few short and colorless sentences.
I hate fanfic that's longer than about ten pages. I hate fanfic that's shorter than a page. I really, really hate fanfic that's longer than two hundred pages. Fan novels and fan screenplays must die a lingering death.
I hate fanfics that haven't had the benefit of a spellchecker. I hate fanfics that contain about half as much punctuation as they should, and those that contain twice as much as they should. I hate grammar-free fanfic, I hate fanfic that's just a string of thudding declarative sentences, I hate fanfic that's been saved as a text file, I hate fanfic that stretches from one edge of the screen to the other, I hate fanfic that's displayed in white text on a black background! Just like this!
I hate self-insertion fanfic. I hate Mary Sue fanfic. In other words, I hate any fanfic that's just a fangirl (or boy) wanking a thinly disguised version of herself (or himself) all over some poor official character. I especially hate fanfics in which the author's alter ego is ten times as powerful as any of the official characters! And I loathe fanfic in which the author's alter ego is the new ultimate villain!
I hate fanfic that radically reinvents a character. I hate fanfic that tells me nothing new about a character. I hate fanfic that contorts itself to create a romantic liaison between two people who just should not be together. I hate fanfic that ignores official relationships just to make a 'pretty couple'. (I'm talking to you, Relena-bashers.)
I hate fics that radically revise the official story. I hate alternate-ending fics. I hate 'ten years later' fics. I hate 'five hundred years later' fics. I hate 'let's reminisce now we're old' fics. I hate 'I know you used to be my archenemy, but that was five years ago, so come here for a big wet kiss' fanfics. I hate 'I know I used to be good, but now I'm evil and YOU MUST ANGST ABOUT KILLING ME' fics. I loathe and despise alternate-universe fics.
I hate fics that end in either murder or suicide! I hate fics in which relatively normal characters become depraved madmen, and I hate fics in which sick and twisted characters become relatively normal human beings! That goes double for fics in which the newly 'normal' human being is now the love interest! I hate fics in which a relatively normal character now drowns in angst or lust or fear or madness! I loathe fics in which a sick and twisted character now wants nothing more than to atone and then marry one of the heroes and lead a normal life!
I hate smutfic written by people who have never touched another person! I hate smutfic written by teenagers in general, no matter how much sexual experience they have! I hate smutfic in which the generic male/female missionary position is the limits of their imagination! I hate sadistic/masochistic smutfic! Especially S/M smutfic written by teenagers! I hate smutfic that's drowning in coy euphemism! I hate coyness in general! If you can't bring yourself to write the word 'cock', then save us all the pain and just IRIS OUT!
I hate angstfic! I hate hentai fic! I hate songfic! I hate hate HATE fan poetry! Argh free verse fan poetry froth writhe scream. I loathe and despise crossovers! There is a special layer of hell reserved for people who write crossover fics, and it involves being ground up by Krelian's Soylent System to make Kefka's makeup! Do we understand each other?!
Yes. Yes, I am a Big Fat Hypocrite. I write whatever the hell I want to, because I want to, and I put it up on my website, no matter how much of the above rant it's in violation of. And a lot of the time, I don't significantly hate myself for doing so, either. I'm still reasonably proud of a fair bit of my output.
And there are certain other people who can get away with an awful lot of the above, too, and I'll still hang on their every word.
See, here we get into an important distinction. If you have Mad Writing Skillz, fangirl, you can write anything and I'll like it. I consider myself lucky to be friends with several Mad Skillzwomen, and they can do whatever they like, and I'll slobber all over it.
I'm not trying to say that I, personally, have Mad Writing Skillz. I consider myself to be a slightly-above-mediocre writer, with what amounts to a chemical dependency on semicolons and ellipses. But I have a reasonable grasp of the rules of English grammar, spelling, and punctuation, which (sadly) puts me ahead of most fanfic writers. Most fanfic writers do not have Mad Writing Skillz. They're fans, not professional-quality writers. They write fanfic for the sheer love of the cultural artifact in question, amateurs in all senses of the word. What they produce is important, to them and to others, and more power to them. But it's not important to me. And there's absolutely no reason why it should be. Who am I, anyway? The Grand Arbiter of Fanfiction?
If you want me to like your fanfic, and I am not for a moment saying that you should, then try to avoid tripping any of the above rant. But honestly, who gives a shit what I think?
I'm not trying to argue that other fanfic shouldn't exist, far from it. I am more than willing to abide by the Yaoi Fangirl's Number One Rule:
If I don't like it, I won't look at it.
Your fanfic has every right to exist and thrive on the net, and more power to it. I have every right not to read it, and every right to make snide comments about it privately to my friends. And in this state of mutual benign neglect and snideness, we can comfortably co-exist for the rest of our lives.
Deal?
Replies: add your comment: currently 13 comments
How many times does Nezumi have to say he loves you before it sinks in? Marry Nezumi, you wonderful, intelligent, hypocritical cow! Now!
Nezumi agrees with all of it. Every bit of it. He himself writes fanfic, an increasing amount lately. but he reads very little of it. He's a big flaming hypocrite mousey too. And he doesn't care.
There are Very Bad Writers out there, and there are people who don't even care about what they're writing /about/. They suck. You don't. It's as simple as that.
Nezumi thinks you would like this quote, the author of which eludes him. "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes."
Posted by Nezumi @ 09/27/2001 10:47 AM EST
O_o
Erm.
*has written fan poetry*
*does not have mad skillz, or a following*
*slinks away quietly*
O_o
(Much truth in that, though, I'm sorry to say...)
Posted by StB @ 09/27/2001 01:11 PM EST
.....
Well....you've....really gone out onceagain Moon, and made your point clear. Well....it's about as clear as mud can be... LOL j/k!!
o_o'
Seriously though, I agree with most of your points...or maybe about ALL of them!! Heh. I am not a big fan of fanfics either, for pretty much all of the reasons that you are. They just....do tend to get TOO descriptive, and that becomes unecessary. And delve too deep into a character, and yeah, authors (if they can be called this..LOL) insert themselves into these central characters. However, that can go with the theory that authors DO naturally insert aspects of themselves into their characters, particularly the central ones. Don't you think so?
However, I DO understand what you mean by this, and I agree. Heh.
I tend to be more original and have not made any honest fanfics because I just don't WANT to. My site no longer exists so what little there was of something I wrote is gone!! Nya haa haa!! >:3
I....had for a while, an uncontrollable urge to write that, as I am sure you do sometimes, Moon, and that's okay. I just had an idea that I HAD to get on paper (or screen..) at the time!! And sure, sometimes I do think of "what if" situations involving characters not my own, but I never write it out. I just don't because I don't want to. And plus, I actually incorporate many of those things into stories for my OWN characters!! That works out pretty keen!! ^_' So they DO have a use afterall...
There are people who also do just plainly DESPISE fanfics, so I figure they would not get me an audience anyway (not that I WAS getting one...). So I figure all the more reason not to bother.
But I do agree with you also Moon, that you can write whatever you want to!! If you want to write fanfics, go ahead!! And poetry too! Never stop with the parodies though!! And the satire! LOL ^_'
You know, you said above you hate fanfics, and may be a hypocrite for still writing them. Well, you know, we often do say things we hate or like, but we do the opposite anyway. HOW many times did I hear friends say they HATED (with a passion) playing Asheron's Call....and they continued for a long time to do it anyway??! A LOT, I tell you!! (they have Diablo II now, so who needs AC? LOL) So I consider it almost like this. And I understand that you just...sometimes have to write what is in your heart and let it come out. So never stop doing that. ^_^
*Whew*....
Posted by Wolf @ 09/27/2001 02:06 PM EST
*hugs onto Moon*
Preach it.
I hate fanfic. I hate ALL fanfic with the notable exception of Really Good Parodyfic and Really REALLY DAMN GOOD Smutfic. Which basically means that I read Moon's parodies and Technomancy's smut and to hell with everything else.
I wrote a fanfic once. When I was 14. And it sucked beyond all possible comprehension and vanished from the earth two harddrive-deaths ago. So there.
Posted by Ed @ 09/27/2001 03:39 PM EST
You know, I'm the same way. I hate just about every genre of fanfiction in every type and form that it comes in. YET, I still write occassionally. And I never post it (aside from scaring my friends) because I know it sucks.
And I wrote a fan novel once many many years ago, when I was like 16. Sadly, more people know me for that than for my art, though, I don't have a copy of it anymore.....and by the time I finished, I realized that....I hate fanfiction. Especially fan novels. And I hate fan fiction fanboys even more.
Okay, I just hate fanfiction. *mumbles something and walks off*
Posted by Lea @ 09/27/2001 07:46 PM EST
One last thing though...
How would all of you feel if someone posted this bile-filled diatribe against fanart? Saying that everyone who makes fanart should die, it's all crap inherently, you can't even call them "artists", etc. etc. etc.?
How would you feel?...
Posted by StB @ 09/28/2001 04:01 PM EST
Coming right up, StB!
Posted by Mooncalf @ 09/28/2001 06:30 PM EST
I have this really popular fan novel on my site with over like, 70 chapters, as you might be aware of.. The other day some guy had the nerve to ask me to make a 'black on white version' because the white on black was hurting his eyes...
If you don't like the black background, COPY the text and paste it into word program like Notepad. Simple as that. @_@ Other than that, good points, mooncalf.
Posted by vera @ 09/28/2001 07:01 PM EST
I agree with a lot of it, but not all. Then again, I'm only 13. ^^; I actually like fanfic, but it has to be well written. I love reading. I like the idea of writing about other people's characters in different situations...so sue me.
There's my 2 cents..
Posted by Mina @ 09/29/2001 12:57 AM EST
Okay, so I was commenting again, and it got totally out of hand and was really long, so I just ranted over here instead, in case anyone cares. I refuse to make a comment that's almost as long as the longish entry it pertains to. x.x
Posted by Ed @ 09/29/2001 01:07 PM EST
I was serious... O_o the basic idea is "it's good if me and people I deem worthy do it, but everyone else sucks". :P Ah well.
Posted by StB @ 09/29/2001 04:15 PM EST
Not at all, StB! All I'm saying is that this is what I, personally, hate. And I do hate it, honestly. I'm not going to lie about that, not on my own blog.
I didn't say it was 'bad', I didn't say it was 'wrong', I didn't say it 'sucks'. I said, 'I hate it'. That's different.
But really, what does it matter what I think, outside of here? Sure, here I'm Queen of the Effin' World, because I pay for this little pocket of webspace, but outside of this?
People can write/draw/do whatever they want, so long as it's legal, and I'll thoroughly support their right to do so. I don't have to like it to do that.
In fact, what they're doing is taking advantage of the web and the net like I encouraged people to, a month or two ago. More power to 'em.
Write what you want, draw what you want, do what you want, and no matter if I like it or not, I'll cheer for you for doing it.
Posted by Mooncalf @ 09/29/2001 04:44 PM EST
As long as we're on the subject of what we all hate (can't we all just get along? Not so long as there's Mary Sue fic in the world), Nezumi thinks he's spotted an atrocity you've missed.
Main characters as children fics.
These must die! Along with their creators! And that includes Nezumi's ex-girlfriend, too. And for compounding that sin by adding self-insertion, being flayed alive before the execution is the absolute kindest Nezumi is willing to be. If that's the price for no more ten-year-old Ran Fujimiyas meeting up with original wank characters, then so be it.
*seethes*
Posted by Nezumi @ 09/29/2001 07:23 PM EST
