And then, of course, there's always the possibility that we'll kill the Internet ourselves.
Let's just call it the Dead Skunk Theory. I'll explain.
Every Provider - movie, music, television, print - will occasionally (or often) try to sell you a dead skunk. But the immense amount of power, money, and squandered talent embedded in the Provider means that even the oldest, grossest dead skunk will have been shampooed, and blowdried, and dressed in a sparkly little tux, and embedded in a shiny snowglobe filled with glitter.
It's still a dead skunk, but it's been glossed and marketed and hyped until it dazzles, and it's only when you actually get to the dead skunk itself - plunge your fingers into its insides and smell that familiar skunky smell - that you discover that it was a dead skunk all along. But it doesn't really matter to the Provider, because you've already shelled out your money for that dead skunk, and they're off scouring the highways and byways for their next dead skunk.
So what does that have to do with the Internet? On the Web, often, all you get is... the dead skunk.
As baby Providers, so many webmasters don't have a Prettifying Talent Machine. They don't have shampoo, or a blowdryer, let alone a snowglobe maker. So their dead skunk sits there, and it's obviously a dead skunk. It stinks. It's rotten. It's slow, and it's not going to get any faster. Often, it moves and squirms with some sort of unhealthy parasitical life. And it might be pretty easy to ignore, but it's still there, waiting for the unsuspecting to trip over it.
And eventually, some self-righteous prig with All The Answers will find the skunk, and he'll put on noseclips and hold it up as an example of what's wrong with the world. And by that point we'll all stink like that skunk, which has been lying there for ages, and then the Government, or the Media, or the Corporation will shovel us up like so much roadkill, and we'll lose just a little more of what freedom we have.
I think my metaphor got away from me, there. Oh well. What are they going to do, take away my poetic license? Ow. Quit hitting me.
And it's not like I'm exempt from that, either. In many respects, my site and my blog are my own, personal dead skunks, and they REEK. And you know what that stink IS, ladies and gentlemen? It's the stink of Fame-Desire. It's the stink of 'like me worship me link to me tell me I'm funny tell me I'm smart tell me I'm talented make me famous LOVE MEEEEEEE'.
That's right. I'm just another wannabe celebrity, and I want your respect, if not your worship. I'm out here on stage, showing everybody my dead skunk, and hoping that they think it's funny, or neat, or unique, or something. I have a shampooed dead skunk, and I'm going to talk about it, and I'm going to advertise it, rubbing the skunk of my personality into your skull until I crush your head. There's so little difference between talking about something neat that I thought of today and screaming 'SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! ALL MOONCALF ALL THE TIME! TICKETS ON SALE NOW!'
So welcome to my dead skunk! Please come back to my dead skunk often! It's so much prettier than a lot of the other dead skunks out there on the Internet! Sometimes it tries to be funny, or smart, or talented, but all this time, all I was was another goddamn baby Provider with my blowdried dead skunk! LOVE ME!
And you know what's worse? I'm actually sitting here in my basement WANKING A DEAD SKUNK IN RETURN FOR DRIBBLES OF INTERNET FAME! Not literally, of course, I have neighbors, they'd talk; but I'm going to wring every last potent drop of entertainment value out of this dead skunk! Do you know what that means? No, it doesn't just mean that this metaphor is WAY out of control! It means that my blog is nothing but DEAD SKUNK CUM!
And YOU LIKE IT! YOU LIKE IT! PEOPLE OUT THERE -LIKE- MY DEAD SKUNK CUM!
Aw geez. Look at that. I got self-hating angst all over my nice clean blog. Someone get me the Windex.
I can just imagine the search engine hits that little rant is going to bring me, too...
Okay, I got way off topic there. I mean, not just off the road but into the ditch, down the culvert, and into the sewers. But... well, you know what?
I typed all that in, and I hit 'Publish', and there it was, on the Web, for all to see. I didn't have to run it by an editor, or a lawyer, or a focus group. It didn't need to be hyped or advertised or streamlined or dumbed down. I just had to run it by me, and by god, I wanted to talk about wanking dead skunks in front of god and everybody. Apparently.
And despite the Dead Skunk Metaphor from Hell, I still think that that particular freedom is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Replies: add your comment: currently 12 comments
I should probably be worried that I want to marry you again.
Posted by Thea @ 08/26/2001 05:37 AM EST
I think you're scaring *someone* out there, Moonie.
*cling*
Fuck fame, I'm online for friends like you.
Posted by Pirotess @ 08/26/2001 10:54 AM EST
I, uh....like your dead skunk, Moon. *sweat drop*
Seriously, interesting analogy. It does make sense. Boy...when Moon is right about something, look out, or it'll hit you hard in the gut and you'll have disrupted bowels...or something. And then some.
I personally don't want to be really famous because I'm sure I'll wish I remained an anonymous nobody if I got TOO popular. I think the Net is a good place to either be widespreadly "discovered", or have just good cult status, like this. Cult is usually okay, in my opinion. And what a crazy, explicit, sexually-charged and motivated and gutter-minded cult it is!! Uh, no offense intended. I like it just the way it is! And I'm sure that you, dear Moon, wouldn't have it any other way. ^_'
So I love this dead skunk and I'll support it as long as it's around!!
I love this dead skunk!!
Posted by Wolf @ 08/26/2001 02:11 PM EST
*standing ovation*
Exactly! EXACTLY! You have no clue how long I've been trying to come up with a good way to say exactly that. Perfect. That's the perfect metaphor for wannabe celebrities like you and me and every other blog-owner. How do you come up with these things? :)
Posted by Moonshine @ 08/26/2001 03:38 PM EST
What the hell, maybe I *am* evil. After all, I keep on checking back here and reading all the text you produce... and laughing out loud at the phrase "dead skunk cum" probably has *some* reflection on my moral character...
Posted by Nathan @ 08/26/2001 03:44 PM EST
Tolja.
Posted by Mooncalf @ 08/26/2001 03:51 PM EST
...I like how the first time I read that, I managed to completely miss the word 'cum'. I read 'dead skunk' and that was it. I'm talented.
You know, I want to be famous. Of course, if I was famous I'd be famous for all of 10 minutes before I explained in detail to my fanbase why they were all a bunch of frigging wankers, thereby making them all hate me. See, the kind of people who turn into rabid fans of random webby people are usually yucky.
I suppose I could become a camgirl, but that would require a little too much surgery.
Posted by Ed @ 08/26/2001 09:37 PM EST
Fame scares me... I can't handle the two or three people who write to me about my site NOW. (And Fanfiction.Net...let's just not go there, ok? O_o) But then that's abnormal.
Anyhow... it does sound true, as usual etc. Oh, and I about choked laughing at the SO2 smutfic (in a *good* way)... um... yeah, I read it, guilty. *runs*
Posted by StB @ 08/27/2001 12:28 AM EST
Long live the dead skunk! *whoop*
Can't agree with ya more bout the net...so touched... *sniff*
I can't say I'd like to be famous though...what a scary position.
Posted by Quezzie @ 08/27/2001 08:21 AM EST
Fame is not my ambition ... heck i don't want fame.
I want to be rich >D [ doesn't everyone ? ]
Of course , i am fully aware that's probably not possible unless i marry a millionaire or become a total slut .
You know , i've never seen a skunk before much less know what one smells like.
Posted by Laine @ 08/27/2001 11:34 AM EST
You know how sometimes pink pencil erasers get that kind of nasty smell that sticks at the back of your throat?
It smells like that, except that it's everywhere, and about a million times worse.
Posted by Ed @ 08/27/2001 11:46 AM EST
Very narrowly missed spitting water over the moniter with that post -- what a way to liven up a Monday! Since it's the monitor at work, the better to choke me with, I guess. @_@ "I'm actually sitting here in my basement WANKING A DEAD SKUNK IN RETURN FOR DRIBBLES OF INTERNET FAME!"
Not many people have the guts to acknowledge it's a dead skunk. Hee. It's, um, just resting.
Posted by Talya Firedancer @ 08/27/2001 12:08 PM EST
