WARNING: This blog may contain fairly minor spoilers for Xenogears and for both Suikoden games. Nothing huge, but still, wanted to warn you. Also... uh... even though there's no yaoi talk, I do talk about sex a fair bit.
I am a fangirl. There's no doubt about that.
One of the major signs of fangirlism is the tendency to develop little crushes on RPG or anime characters. And boy, do I do that. One look at my artwork, such as it is, is probably enough to convince anyone that I am libidinously and lecherously heterosexual towards many men who only exist as little bits of data stored on game CDs. They're always in my party, I tend to draw them and write about them, I even create little mental 'puppets' of them to play with at odd opportunities. As... uh... you may have heard.
Not the most rewarding or reciprocal of relationships, true... can you imagine explaining this to your mother? "Oh, Mom, I've met the guy of my dreams! And he's a DOCTOR! No, Mom, calm down, we're probably not going to get married or anything... he's only two inches tall... and plus, all his groomsmen would be stored on little media devices... and you know how hard it is to rent a tuxedo for a CD?"
But still, I've gained a fair bit of personal satisfaction from my lengthy imaginary relationships. My longest and most deeply-held 'relationship' would have to be with Citan, from Xenogears.
Aw DAMN, man. DAMN. It took me all of about five minutes to become fascinated with Citan. He's intelligent, he's handsome, he's right about my age, he wears GLASSES! (I get weak in the knees when confronted with cute bespectacled guys. It's a geek thing.)
Not only that, of course, but he's a really powerful asskicking character... and when I figured out what he was doing at the end of each fight (namely, flipping his red-ribboned ponytail back into place with a flick of his fingers) I was lost. And I knew I'd never be found again, when I witnessed the Slap Heard 'Round The World. Mmm. Forceful. Mmm.
To this day, I still think the most beautiful seven words in the English language are "Here, Citan. Take your sword with you."
But, then, I played Suikoden. And, oddly but inexorably, I found myself liking a character who was as totally unlike Citan as was possible. Right. Viktor. No surprise to anyone who's read this blog before.
So here's this big brawny guy who doesn't seem to take anything seriously, not even high treason. And he sort of grins and saunters from one world-shaking event to the next, only to reveal that he's got a deep sense of honor cached in there under the grinning demeanor... the thing about Viktor was that he seemed like FUN. A nice relaxed big lug who would be pretty easy to hang around with, but who could always be counted on to do what was right and help people who needed it.
And he was handsome, too, in a muscular shaggy bearlike way. Right about my age, again. Looked cuddly. None of that ever hurts.
And after I played Suikoden II, and got to play with Viktor AGAIN, and watched him banter casually with Flik for a few hours... well, he was firmly ensconced in my list of Favorite Characters.
But after a while, something started to bother me, occasionally. If I had a crush on Citan, and I had a crush on Viktor, and they were so terribly different... which one did I like more? And I've always been terrible at picking favorites. If you ask me any question involving the phrase "What's your favorite...?" you'll probably get a long, disjointed ramble involving at least ten different favorites in answer, and I'll be reminded of favorites that I forgot for months after.
So, occasionally when I had nothing better to do, I'd dither over that question. It was a great way to pass the time while I waited to fall asleep, for example.
At least, until yesterday. I had just finished writing something down, and on a whim I pulled up my picture viewing program and opened two stored pictures. A fanart of Citan, and a fanart of Viktor. And I leaned back in my chair and stared at the screen, pondering many things. I pondered what I should do next, write or draw. I pondered who I should draw, and what game I should write about, and good rhymes for 'Viktor'. And finally, after about five minutes, my brain lazily turned back to the old question... which one do I like more?
And after a few minutes, a cold little voice spoke up in the back of my brain. No, it's not a soulbond. Rather, it's a tiny part of me that doesn't care what anyone thinks, including the rest of me... call it my id, I guess. For a very short period of time, I was divorced from all my morals and most of my emotions, long enough to answer my own question.
I raised my hand towards the computer screen and pointed at Citan. And I said, dryly, "That is the man I want to marry, and live with for the rest of my life."
And then I pointed my hand towards Viktor and said, equally dryly, "And that's the man I want to spend my afternoons with, screwing and laughing and having fun, while my husband is off saving the world."
...
You know, it's kind of an odd feeling, to hear something your own brain just said make you splutter and turn red. I guess it's as close to understanding soulbonding as I'll ever get, if I wasn't so damn sure it was me who said that. The caffeine-soaked selfish evil me, to be sure. But still... me.
I'd like to have thought that I wasn't the kind of person who'd cheat on a supposedly faithful and exclusive relationship. But the more I think about what I said, the more I think I'm right. That IS what I want. And for crying out loud, if you can't have what you want in your daydreams and fantasies, where CAN you have it?
I guess it wasn't really an answer to my question. What it really was was an END to my question, by putting the whole issue in perspective. Often, perspective is a bitch. Sometimes, though, it really does help you get a grasp on your own mental processes.
I got a grasp on my mental processes, yesterday, thanks to my id. And I've learned that... I am a ho.
Thank you, and good night.
Replies: add your comment: currently 3 comments
I consider you fortunate... in that honesty with oneself is a rare commodity. And tasting of it, even if it's uncomfortable, is extremely precious.
Posted by Nathan @ 08/15/2001 03:35 AM EST
Hmmmm....I think I understand. Especially the parts about Citan kicking ass!! LOL I mean...he DOES!!! Especially when he has his sword! ^_' And I totally understand about the glasses thing, Moon; I get......all gooey inside when girls wear glasses. I definitely call it a dork thing (I'm not quite sure if I'm a "geek" per se, but in all likelihood..). *sweat drop* I just...like them!
I know people do get crushes and stuff on these characters. Is it "natural", I wonder? I mean, many of these games are done so well that they do seem to breathe their own life. But you never hear about people falling for characters from novels, do you? I never have. Movies I don't count, because come on; these people have crushes on the ACTORS, not the characters they play. Only in games does this happen...Curious, non?
Posted by Wolf @ 08/15/2001 06:28 PM EST
One word, Wolf: Anime. ^_^; Outstrips even gaming in its fanboy/girlishness, and qualifies under "show/movie".
Natural, m'eh. I find it basically the same thing as crushing on (?) movie stars - you're never going to meet them, either way, and the main result is basically to illustrate THINGS you like - as in, those who dig intelligence will probably go for Citan or ...um, fill in name of female genius here - I thought Lucca, but... O_o doubtful. Anyhow, you get the gist.
Speaking of which. *shakes head* Citan fangirlishness is the only one that I can think of offhand that actually disturbs me. It's hard to explain, and seems strangely ...accessible... in a weird way - after all, we HAVE cute, sweet geeks out loose in the world, while, say, ethereally beautiful bishounen with super-powers are much harder to come by. So even though it's figurative, the ideas behind it seem down-to-earth, and that's something to give one pause...
Rambling too much. Sorry. ^_^; As basic as that piece seemed, it was thought-provoking. Thanks. :)
Posted by StB @ 08/16/2001 03:38 PM EST
