My name is Mooncalf, I'm a thirty-year-old fangirl from Ohio, and this is my weblog. Right now you're either somewhere in the archives or reading comments or something like that. To return to the main page, click here.

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08/07/2001 Entry: "Mooncalf Noises. Now With Handpuppets."

Let's cause some trouble! Please note that this should not be construed as an answer to anyone's stated position, but rather, Mooncalf having entirely too much fun.

(SCENE: Your computer monitor. On the screen, MOONCALF waves, beaming. She's got a number of soft floppy things under one arm, but you can't tell what they are. She's trying to do something with them, but she's just not very coordinated. After struggling with them for a moment, she drops them all. *WHOMF*WHOMF*WHOMF*. She growls and swears, then stoops, disappearing off your monitor. After a moment, she reappears. She's wearing something colorful on her left hand, and pulling something else onto her right hand. After a moment, she holds both hands up beside her head. What the? She's got a VIKTOR handpuppet on one hand, and a CITAN handpuppet on the other hand.)

MOONCALF: Okay, so, there's been a lot of fuss about soulbonds lately.

(The VIKTOR handpuppet nods its little head, in what might be agreement, or a seizure.)

MOONCALF: A few months ago, I discussed this topic, although I wimped out on a number of points...

(The CITAN handpuppet holds up a little sign that says MUSES AND SOULBONDS AND ENTITIES, OH MY.)

MOONCALF: ... and I mentioned that, instead of soulbondage, I practice something known as soulpuppetry.

(Both puppets wave their stubby little right hands.)

MOONCALF: So, what did I mean by that? Simple. Characters that I like DO talk in my head. But it's clear that I'm the one making them do the talking.

(MOONCALF dips one hand down offscreen. When it comes back up, it's just her hand. The CITAN puppet is missing. MOONCALF points at the VIKTOR puppet.)

MOONCALF: See this? This is Viktor. Viktor is from the Suikoden games, and he's one of my biggest obsessions.

(The VIKTOR puppet waves again.)

MOONCALF: And late at night, when I'm trying to sleep, Viktor DOES talk in my head, a lot. But I'm telling him what to say. Right, Viktor?

(The VIKTOR puppet nods frantically, thrashing its little hands.)

MOONCALF: You see, here's the main difference. Look at Viktor. Look at him closely. What do you notice?

(The VIKTOR puppet dips its head, staring at itself.)

MOONCALF: That's right. I have my hand up his ass.

(The VIKTOR puppet clutches at its oversized head with its tiny little hands. Meanwhile, MOONCALF dips her hand down below the screen again, and comes up with a FLIK puppet.)

MOONCALF: So. If I want Viktor here to fall in love with Flik, he'll do it. Because I have my hand up his ass.

(MOONCALF mashes the puppets together. They put their little stubby arms around each other and writhe.)


(MOONCALF pulls the two puppets apart and dips her hand down again, coming up with a VALERIA puppet.)

MOONCALF: And if I want Viktor here to fall in love with Valeria, he'll do it.

(MOONCALF mashes the puppets together again. Writhe, writhe.)


(The hand goes down again. After a moment, it comes back up, with... a MUKUMUKU puppet.)

MOONCALF: Hell, if I want him to fall in love with a flying squirrel, he'll do it.

(MOONCALF mashes the puppets together. Writhe, writhe.)

MOONCALF: Why? Because I have my hand up his ass, that's why.

(MOONCALF puts both hands down. After a moment, they come back up. One is wearing the CITAN puppet, and one is wearing an ASHLEY RIOT puppet.)

MOONCALF: If I want something to happen, if I want it to happen even a little, well...

(MOONCALF mashes those puppets together. The ASHLEY puppet puts its little arms around the CITAN puppet's waist. The CITAN puppet awkwardly pats the ASHLEY puppet's hair. The little ASHLEY puppet's head begins to bob forward and back suggestively.)

MOONCALF: ... then it'll happen. If only in my diseased little brain. Because no matter how much I like these characters, they are not alive, not even in my mind. They are just puppets, with my hand up their ass, and they'll say what I want them to.

(MOONCALF puts both hands down. In a moment, they come back up. She's wearing the VIKTOR puppet again, and her other hand is bare.)

MOONCALF: Watch. (to the puppet) Viktor, do you love me?

VIKTOR PUPPET: I love you, Mooncalf!

MOONCALF: Are you wearing women's panties?


MOONCALF: Do you want to have messy sex with Flik?


MOONCALF: Do you enjoy having my hand up your ass?


(MOONCALF turns back to you. The little VIKTOR puppet waves.)

MOONCALF: It's like having a slave, almost. And, quite frankly, it is soulpuppetry that creates interesting fanfic.

VIKTOR PUPPET: I got to cut off Culgan's head! I got to bring Luka Blight back to life! I got to throw myself off a tall cliff to my death! I got to have sex with pretty much everybody!

MOONCALF: Soulbonds, actual real soulbonds, those also create interesting fanfic. But I'm betting that the overwhelming majority of soulbonds are actually just this... soulpuppets.

(The VIKTOR puppet nods vigorously.)

MOONCALF: Watch this. (to the puppet) Viktor, try and make me say something I normally wouldn't.

(The VIKTOR puppet puts its little round hands to its temples and mimics concentrating really hard. MOONCALF remains silent for a few minutes, until the puppet's hands droop in mimed exasperation.)

MOONCALF: Now try and make me do something. Anything.

(The VIKTOR puppet repeats the procedure. Again, nothing happens.)

MOONCALF: Now, then. Viktor, punch yourself in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet promptly punches himself in the head. MOONCALF brings up the FLIK puppet again.)

MOONCALF: Viktor, punch Flik in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches the FLIK puppet in the head. The FLIK puppet falls down offscreen. MOONCALF brings up the CITAN puppet.)

MOONCALF: Viktor, punch Citan in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches the CITAN puppet in the head. The CITAN puppet falls down offscreen. MOONCALF brings up a VASH THE STAMPEDE puppet.)

MOONCALF: Viktor, punch Vash in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches the VASH puppet in the head. The VASH puppet falls down offscreen. After a moment, MOONCALF brings up her bare hand again.)

MOONCALF: It's all one way, you see. I make them do things, they don't make me do things. That's why I don't have soulbonds. I just have these cute little puppets.

(The VIKTOR puppet makes little arm-pumping motions.)

MOONCALF: I know soulbonding is very important to a lot of you out there. And more power to you. But Viktor and I are asking you. Please, please take a few moments to consider whether your soulbondage is actually just soulpuppetry.

(The VIKTOR puppet nods.)

MOONCALF: Here's the deal. If you had no way to talk about your soulbonds to anyone, would you still have any? If you didn't have a website or weblog on which you talked about your soulbonds, if you didn't have real life friends to tell about it, would you still have those independent voices in your head?

(The VIKTOR puppet taps its temple.)

MOONCALF: Actually, I don't expect that many people will be able to give me a truly honest answer about that. They'll be defensive, and I can't blame them.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches repeatedly at the air, then hides its head behind its little arms.)

MOONCALF: But do think about it. You really don't need soulbonds to be an interesting person, and pretending to be something you're not just to draw attention to yourself is a self-defeating proposal.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches itself in the head repeatedly and pretends to fall down.)

MOONCALF: I guess what I'm trying to say is: if you have your hand up their ass, it's soulpuppetry. But if they have their hand up YOUR ass, or if the ass-handing is reciprocal... well, okay, maybe it's true soulbonding. Maybe. Or maybe you need psychiatric attention. It could be that, too.

(The VIKTOR puppet turns around and stares down at MOONCALF's ass. MOONCALF promptly brings up the FLIK puppet, which punches the VIKTOR puppet in the head repeatedly.)

MOONCALF: Anyway, I'm not sure that I've said anything of worth here, but I have had a lot of fun. And hey, soulpuppeteers, if you want to, feel free to take the button Viktor's holding and stick it on your website somewhere. Or make your own.

(VIKTOR holds up a small purplish sign:

and waggles it around.)

MOONCALF: I guess I'd just like there to be some other option besides 'soulbonded' and 'not soulbonded' fanfic writers. You don't have to have soulbonds to write excellent fic, and some soulbonders write pretty bad fic. Just... do what you have to.

(The FLIK puppet makes little arm-pumping motions.)

MOONCALF: Even if it involves sticking your hand up someone's ass, or having their hand up your ass in return. Thank you, and good night.

(The VIKTOR and FLIK puppets both wave goodbye. MOONCALF beams.)


Replies: add your comment: currently 22 comments

I would just like you to know that I have just snorked Dr. Pepper up my nose and all over my monitor and it is all your fault. ^_^

Posted by Sarah @ 08/07/2001 08:02 PM EST

*giggles madly, claps like seal*
That is genius. You, in fact, are genius. Now all i need is a few more arms to shove up the asses of all my soulpuppets...

Posted by harpy @ 08/07/2001 09:00 PM EST

Ah, I'm not the only one that does that! *clings to the writer, and plays with her puppets!*

Posted by lea @ 08/08/2001 01:10 AM EST

Wow...longest blog EVER, Moon!!
*sweat drop* Anyway, I think you illustrated your point VERY well, with a great analogy. Unfortunately, I'm sure some people will still not see things this way, or think about it. Some do it because they don't WANT to, and would rather have their soulbonding. Well....I denno. Great blog!!
And do you really have Citan and Vash puppets? ^_' j/k

Posted by Wolf @ 08/08/2001 03:49 AM EST

*laughs hysterically*

Posted by Nathan @ 08/08/2001 04:12 AM EST

Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome!

Posted by Darkmoon the Mad @ 08/08/2001 06:25 AM EST

My favorite part of this blog.

MOONCALF: Do you enjoy having my hand up your ass?



Posted by Dragonfly @ 08/08/2001 07:25 AM EST

Genius, but as pointed out above, it should come with a beverage warning. ;)

Posted by angie @ 08/08/2001 09:09 AM EST

I don't think I've ever done so much giggling at 3:45 AM without the aid of controlled substances.

Posted by Lack Thereof @ 08/08/2001 09:47 AM EST

Oh, and Moonie... I want that button on a bumpersticker.

Posted by Lack Thereof @ 08/08/2001 09:50 AM EST

*snrks* Moonness? I love you. XD ("Hell, if I want him to fall in love with a flying squirrel, he'll do it. Because I have my hand up his ass.") I really love you. And I must needs use that for a sig somewhere. May I?

Posted by Meia @ 08/08/2001 11:18 AM EST

You know, that's almost enough to make me want to write fanfics. If only so I can announce that I have my hands up the asses of my favorite characters. .... or my least favorite characters. Hmm....

Posted by Ed @ 08/08/2001 02:57 PM EST

Sure sure, Meia, sig away. Nothing like spreading the infamy of my diseased little brain to new audiences!

Bumpersticker... man, that would just confuse the hell out of everyone I live near. They'd probably decide I was a Satanist. Or a gay man.

In the meantime, though, I'm looking into setting up a Soulpuppetry webring, just for the heck of it. News on that, as things progress!

Posted by Mooncalf @ 08/08/2001 03:09 PM EST

Gotta be one of the funniest PSA's I've seen. ^_~ Excellent point, too.

Posted by StB @ 08/08/2001 03:35 PM EST

Moony, I love ya. No, really. It's become so cliquish in many circles nowadays to claim SBs that it takes more guts to admit you /don't/ have them than to say you do. But more power to those who can be honest about it, me says.

Hmm... just on a side-tangent, I hope I'm not being egotistical by believing that I'm not faking it, but only because I actually never talk about mine at all in mixed company (not in detail, at least) and they were there a long time before I ever did get online. So in my own sort of way, it galls me to see people claim "super special bonds" with a character whom they do nothing but whore off all day, even though I yell constantly about how it doesn't give you a better interpretation of a character or make you a better writer. >< Feh.

Posted by Azusa @ 08/08/2001 08:17 PM EST

This is my first time commenting on one of your blogs, and for a good reason. I tried to describe what the little things that I make talk in my head are, but no one seems to get it. Now I know, I just have my hand up their asses. Hilarious to read about, you should start marketing Viktor puppets. I'd buy one. Bravo, Mooncalf!

Posted by Lesath @ 08/09/2001 07:40 AM EST

HAW! Moonie, you've definitely put a mental image into my head I ain't gonna be forgetting anytime soon. Whenever I read another drippy blog about so-and-so's latest soulbond, I will surely see visions of hands up asses and chuckle merrily over it all rather than snarkily ranting back in my diary. Bravo! This one is one of your bests ;).

Posted by Lex @ 08/09/2001 04:27 PM EST

HA HA HA! Even though I only read fanfiction once in a blue moon, I can really visualize the phenomenon you speak of with clarity! Sooo funny!

Posted by Andrya @ 08/09/2001 09:08 PM EST

This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I've read.
You funny, Muunie-chan.

Posted by Deus Noctis @ 08/12/2001 02:43 AM EST

This is one of the most delightful answers I have ever seen. As a person who's been disturbed by the ideas of soulbondage and voices and whatnot -- a great deal because most of the people who claim one or the other only do so either to join a clique or to have some kind of justification for absurd out-of-characterness -- I'm delighted by your example about what most of this talk REALLY is. Thanks.

Posted by Cal @ 08/13/2001 01:23 PM EST

Hot damn, this is HILARIOUS. Do finger puppets work though? Because I just finished a Legato finger puppet and it's enjoying being kicked around by the Vash and Wolfwood action figures....Soulfingerpuppetry has a nice ring....

Posted by Kendra @ 08/14/2001 02:23 AM EST

That was highly entertaining, and my LORD it is SO TRUE. Thank you for voicing your opinion (that is shared by many, incidentally) and putting it in such perfect phrasing. Yay for soulpuppets!

Something tells me Mooncalf might be able to assemble a whole darn show with fellow puppeteers, a slew of folks with their hands up fictional characters' asses. ^_~

Posted by Laris @ 08/15/2001 05:08 PM EST

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