I need to get away from this yaoi humor stuff for the sake of you guys who don't like that kind of thing... so, instead, I'll tell you a godawful joke that I heard on the radio!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender looks at the pirate and says, "Wow, that looks uncomfortable."
The pirate says "D'arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
...
Okay, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Anyway, now that I've driven everybody off, it's time to tell you the story of the Most Useless Lock In The World.
Our front door came equipped with one of those hotel-style bar locks. You know, with the big U-shaped thingie that you swing closed over a ball-shaped catch, and then no one can open the door more than an inch or two. Well, in theory.
See, if that lock is closed, and the person on the outside of the door doesn't know that, he'll swing the door pretty hard, and there'll be this loud CLONK as the door hits the lock and bounces, HARD.
Unfortunately, our house has drywall plaster walls. So after two or three good CLONKS given to the lock by the previous tenants, the screws holding the lock just ripped right out of the wall. And so did the cheap-ass plastic molding around the front door. The previous tenants, being cheap but no fools, promptly nailed the molding back on to avoid paying a fine.
So when we moved in, we had a good solid deadbolt lock that clicked into the support beam, and this cheap-ass hotel-room lock that we could lift away from the wall with one finger. "Oh look, honey! I can remove most of the door molding!"
But hey, it was a psychological sop, and being a full-fledged victim of Urban Paranoia (tm), I would always close the bar lock when I was inside. This only becomes a problem when Boyfriend is away; when he tries to get into the house, we hear one of those loud CLONKS followed by a fair bit of swearing.
Well, I did that today. And ta da, Boyfriend ripped the molding RIGHT off the wall today. So after I ran upstairs and let him in and apologized profusely, he stomped downstairs, grabbed the screwdriver, and removed the bar lock entirely. He always did hate that thing.
So now I'm sitting here having the Urban Paranoia Jitters (tm), since we have one fewer locks on the front door. Even if, as a lock, it was slightly less effective than nailing a rotten banana to the door knocker. After all, some burglars might be allergic to bananas, right?
Replies: add your comment: currently 4 comments
*laughs*... sounds about as useless as the lock to my room in my apartment. Even "locked", the door will push open with no problem (although the doorknob won't turn)... although, admittedly, it doesn't have the added bonus of damaging things in the process that your lock did. Wheee!
Posted by Nathan @ 08/07/2001 07:27 AM EST
I've never seen the purpose of those, everİ Everİ What good is a lock that doesn't kick in until the door's already got a good load of momentum built up?
:::thinks:::
Ok, if they break through the deadbolt, and are suddenly thwarted by the extra lockİİİ why wouldn't they just reach through that gap and use a screwdriver to unscrew the lock from the wall?
Posted by Lack Thereof @ 08/07/2001 08:40 AM EST
hey, at least you'll get a nice loud warning before the thug/psychopath breaks in and cuts you open. :]
Posted by Vera @ 08/07/2001 10:24 AM EST
WHAAAT?! Driven off?! That joke is F-ING HILARIOUS.
Posted by Andrya @ 08/09/2001 09:11 PM EST
