For your edification, Mooncalf Noises presents:
HOW TO USE A FUCKING SEARCH ENGINE
Because my tracker tells me that many of you reading this now just don't know how.
(Disclaimer: every search engine result listed below, no matter how outlandish, has in fact popped up in my tracker at one time or another.)
First of all, use Google. Google will enrich your soul and feed your head. Google has very little in the way of ads or extraneous garbage. Google is JUST a search engine, not a conglomeration of random services cluttering up your web browser. It loads fast, it searches fast, and it's powerful.
Secondly, you should stop putting in stuff like plus signs and the phrase '.com'. Searching for, say, 'noises.com' is a wasted effort. Plus signs between words are not necessary. The ONLY time you should type in a fully-formed question ("Where can I find animated GIFs of penises?") is if you're using Ask Jeeves, a strange and amusing service. But in general, use Google.
Try to search using short, informational phrases. If you are looking for .wav files of girls having orgasms, type in "sex noises". But see below.
Third, and most important! Google (and most modern search engines) will dig up text matches for you. HOWEVER. If you do not surround important phrases with quotes -- "sex noises" -- then the search engine will NOT bother to discriminate between a site where you can download .wavs of sex noises and an innocent weblogger who has entitled her blog 'Mooncalf Noises' and talks about sex occasionally. Putting the phrase in quotes means that Google will ignore happenstance, and only show you pages in which THE EXACT PHRASE "sex noises" shows up. This is what you want. Not my weblog.
You can even look for more than one phrase, or a phrase and a word together. You can do:
"sex noises" wav
"sex noises" "small animals"
"sex noises" "two girls"
To take the example from above to its logical point:
You want to hear the sounds of girls having sex issuing from your computer speakers. When you typed in:
girls sex noises
you get my weblog, FIRST on Google's list. I don't have .wav files, particularly not of girls, and definitely not of girls having sex.
If you had typed in
"sex noises" wav
you would have been directed to a billion sites that contain .wav files of sex noises. Ta da.
Fourth, if you are searching for pictures of nude prepubescent children (and I am not for one moment suggesting you should), ignore all the advice above. Get off the Web, turn off your computer, go outside, and try to get yourself some professional help. Nine-tenths of my search engine hits are from people looking for some sort of porn. And yet, it's those pedophile hits (twice a week or so) that make me shiver and feel dirty. Everybody on the Internet may be a sex freak, but pedophiles make me want to wash my blog with Clorox.
Fifth, and finally. Do not underestimate the power of a search engine. I did, once, and look at you people who keep popping in. You all want yaoi and hentai and animated GIFs of naked people and sex noises, and the occasional person who's curious about house centipedes. You want men in pantyhose and naked girls in canvas slippers and teenage girls in stirrup pants and if you use a search engine correctly, it can find you ANYTHING. Even things that (gasp) have nothing to do with porn at all.
Even "the best fucking animated GIFs ever", thank you, you know who you are.
Replies: add your comment: currently 2 comments
I've suddenly started getting hits for Titan AE porn now. 9_9;; Nice variation on the 'Digimon yaoi' theme.
Posted by Ed @ 07/27/2001 07:53 PM EST
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Gee, Moon...this is....weird. lol Kind of creepy, if you ask me. I can see how this might aggrivate you and make you feel dirty. This...makes me once again realize more and more some of the ONLY reasons people use the internet, and some truly perverted people are out there (I don't mean YOU!! LOL). Auy.... WEll....I denno.
You think Clorox would do it? Would you like some Plax, 409, Listerine, and Turtle Wax too? j/k
Posted by Wolf @ 07/28/2001 09:48 PM EST
