WARNING: This blog is pointless, and gross in a vague sort of way.
I was flipping through the channels today, and I stumbled across some random lame stand-up comedian. Believe it or not, he was actually making a joke about... why women take so long in the bathroom. (I seem to recall his theory was that they were in there plotting to overthrow the government and bind all men into sexual slavery, or something.)
Is this not the oldest, most overdone joke in the world? Has this joke not been in the repertoire of male comedians since the early 70s?
So, anyway, I rolled my eyes and settled in to watch Looney Tunes, which have always been more to my taste. When Bugs Bunny dresses as a woman, Elmer Fudd falls in love, he doesn't crack jokes about how long Bugs was in the bathroom. Works for me.
But you know, I got to wondering. Are there actually guys out there who don't KNOW why it takes women longer to use the bathroom? Well, don't fret, Mooncalf's going to explain it all to you, so now you'll know.
Let's assume that there are two people, a man and a woman. Heck, let's call them Steven and Isabel. I like the name Isabel.
Now, let's assume that they are dressed more or less identically. And let's assume that it's fall, so they're wearing:
a red sweater
a white t-shirt, tucked in
a pair of jeans with a black leather belt
black motorcycle boots and white socks
appropriate underwear (y-front Jockey shorts for Steven, bra and panties for Isabel)
Furthermore, let's assume that they only have to pee, and that Isabel is NOT carrying a purse.
Right.
Our intrepid couple splits up and heads into adjacent public restrooms.
First, Steven:
Enters the restroom and wanders over to the urinals.
Unzips his fly.
Reaches in, pulls out what needs to be pulled out.
Pees.
Shakes off.
Tucks it away.
Zips fly.
Flushes urinal.
Washes his hands (if we're lucky).
Elapsed time: about one minute.
See, it's still going to take Isabel twice or three times as long. Because not only does she have to use toilet paper every time, she has to undress halfway to use the toilet, and then get dressed again. (If unlucky Isabel happens to be on the rag, add another minute to her time.) While Steven only has to make minor adjustments, and doesn't have to get undressed at all, and only needs to shake himself off briefly.
(And, granted, women also use the bathroom mirrors to primp, touch up their makeup, brush their hair, and so on. And women friends DO talk to each other in the restrooms. Which is why it sometimes takes them ten or fifteen minutes. But even without these feminine behaviors, it's still going to take them a while.)
The situation is even worse in business wear, or formal wear. You'd think it would be easier if the woman is in a skirt, and to a certain extent it is; but most formal situations also require the dreaded pantyhose. Pantyhose require very gentle handling, because they are approximately twice as delicate as spiderweb. Add to that the fact that a large number of women wear some form of girdle over their pantyhose (both to slim the stomach and to keep the damned hose from rolling down), and it's going to take Isabel FIVE minutes to get out of the toilet, not three. Meanwhile, even in a tuxedo, Steven still has a fly, and he can still be wearing those same damned y-fronts. Let's hope that this is the same day.
So, there you have it, a cogent explanation of why women REALLY stay in the bathroom so long.
And I find that I'm getting just a tad peeved at lucky Steven now. Damn him all to hell.
Replies: add your comment: currently 6 comments
Ok, I'm convinced.
But then, have you ever SEEN the inside of a men's restroom? It's not a place where you would want to spend much time. You're generally lucky if EITHER the soap or the towels are stocked, and they usually get cleaned about once a decade. There might be a mirror, if it's in a nice establishment, but never any attempt to make the room... visually pleasing.
So don't start getting jealous of us just yet.
And next, explain the whole going to the bathroom in groups thing. I've been trying to figure that out for a good 10 years.
Posted by Lack Thereof @ 06/16/2001 09:48 AM EST
It's actually not as hard to fathom as one might imagine. It stems from a female's desire to not single herself out (while simultaneously being the ONLY person in the room wearing the outfit she's currently wearing), so when she has to practically wet her pants, she takes a hapless friend with her. Inevitably, several /other/ females, who had been holding it for the sake of senseless pride and not just getting up and going, join Miss Pee-Pee Pants and Hapless Friend.
Posted by Yscaldine @ 06/17/2001 12:06 AM EST
Hmmmm. Personally, whenever I go to the bathroom in a group, it's because I want to talk to whomever I went with. Not necessarily about the men in the group, no, although that HAS happened.
Basically, I think women go to the bathroom in groups to be sociable. Since we've never been forced to watch each other pee, we're not seriously disturbed by being friendly in restrooms, since it's much less likely to be taken as an unwanted advance.
Whee, theorizing on the fly!
Posted by Mooncalf @ 06/17/2001 12:49 AM EST
My understanding is that it is unusual for men to talk to each other in the bathroom.
Whereas girls have been known to hold conversations between stalls.
Posted by Ed @ 06/17/2001 02:18 AM EST
Personally, I find the talking between stalls thing a bit weird. But hey, whatever. As for the group thing, I'd say the only reasons I've ever gone with companions would be a)coincidence b)can't find bathroom c)talking about something private. Then again, tho, I've never had many female friends (certainly none now *cries*) and so maybe my case is different by default, I dunno.
I have been in the gent's and, since I hang out with guys, I'm privy to all the ins and outs of male bathrooming. I know the facilities are usually unkempt and it's sometimes really weird. For example, one man talking to another while side by side at the urinals is strickly taboo; although in some circles, like sports-types in locker rooms, anything goes.
I can say tho, in closing that the squat-type toilets in Japan shaved a good 30 seconds of my time and I really wish they had them here in the U.S.!
Posted by Andrya @ 06/17/2001 11:12 PM EST
Talking between stalls is one thing; hearing someone using their mobile phone in the next stall over is another. o_O
And to add to your list, Moonie - if there's a significantly large gap above/below the toilet door upon which your purse happens to be hanging from a hook, you're far more likely to suffer from... uh... performance anxiety as you worry about the damn thing being stolen.
Posted by Pirotess @ 06/18/2001 01:06 AM EST
