It's a fact of life: if you live in Columbus, Ohio, like I do, you will never pass a single day without seeing at least five Canada geese. Even if you don't SEE them, you'll HEAR them, flying over your apartment honking like electric scooters on steroids.
Up here in northwest Columbus, where I live, there are literally thousands of them, carpeting the lush corporate parks and enjoying the manmade lakes. And of course, people FEED these little monsters incessantly. The geese are so used to humans that they've lost all fear. If you try to eat outdoors at a nearby restaurant, they will swarm over the patio towards you and literally stand on your feet, demanding bread. If you don't succumb, they'll bite your arms.
I hear that the local Max & Erma's restaurant loses three servers per year; they get swarmed by hungry geese, and within ten minutes are skeletonized, leaving behind only gleaming white bones, a chewed-up serving tray, and perhaps a few shining shards of china. Well, perhaps I exaggerate. But not by much.
Me, I think it's a subtle and terrible invasion. Note that they're called CANADA geese. It's the second stage of a massive, secret plot. First those crafty Canadians infiltrated our money supply with their coinage... don't we all have a couple of silver coins with beavers and maple leaves on them by now? Suddenly we're nervous American consumers, checking our change obsessively to make sure we don't have one of these strange coins... and yet still they appear, frightening our children, destroying our moral fiber!
And now... the shock troops! Cleverly disguised as large, vicious birds, they steal the food from our very mouths, driving us indoors to eat, so that not a single red-blooded American will remain outside to witness... THE INVASION.
Fear.
Replies: add your comment: currently 3 comments
Well, as a self-confessed part time Canadian, I must say that you've finally caught on to our nefarious plot. We just *asked* the empire if we could be our own country, but you Americans of course had to go off and start a revolutionary war of some sort. And then you went off and produced Brittney Spears, and we knew you had to die. The geese are actually carrying poisoned maple leafs, programmed to explode upon hitting your vulnerable American soil.
Have a good day then, aye!
Posted by Becca Ming @ 05/26/2001 03:42 PM EST
Ha ha! I SO do love being right, even if it DOES mean the death of my country.
Actually, since we DID produce Britney Spears, I'm willing to believe that we deserve it.
Posted by Mooncalf @ 05/26/2001 06:36 PM EST
Ooo, is Lex gonna kick your ass for this one. ^_^
Posted by DarkMoon @ 05/27/2001 03:52 PM EST
